Royston van der Kerkoff's Blog

Blah, blah, get round to doing stuff, blah, blah, stop procrastinating, blah, blah, make the most of the good days, etc. etc. yawn, etc……

Setting goals.
Aiming for targets.
If it doesn’t come naturally to you, then it’s generally quite tedious.
And telling people you know just irritates them because they know as well as you do that you’ll run out of steam in five minutes, and it’ll be yet another elephant in a room already bursting at the seams.

This seems to be a little different though.
More like a cult. A nice cult. A cult that I don’t think knew it was a cult, and may not even believe  that it is one. But it just might be.

It’s called TYSIC. Which is the Ten Year Self Improvement Challenge.
An idea Mark Watson came up with on his blog. Turning thirty and becoming a dad were involved in prompting the idea I think.

Anyway, I’m very late joining the group, but if your going to be a bit late for anything, it may as well be something that’s going to last a while.

Anyone who knows me, or has read this blog will probably guess that getting well will be priority number one on my list. Diagnosed with CFS, the made up cover up name that can potentially cover M.E. still, but also fibromyalgia, lupus, thyroid problems, adrenal problems, mitochondrial dysfuction, depression, post viral fatigue, and in the process gather up all sorts of other multi sympton issues, and dump everyone in one big basket where you tell them it’s all in the mind and deny them the treatment they need.
Awesome. For Insurers. And their pocket psychiatrists.
I was a bit surprised to be one of two M.E. sufferers (though I think I actually have something else from the above pick and mix, CFS was just an easy out for the ‘professionals’).

Enough of that though, what are the group planning on challenging themselves with?
Mostly writing. So, Mr. Watson should perhaps get himself a half share in a publishing company. Give it a few months first, see what the standard’s like, but certainly have the idea in the back of his mind. Or someone else in the group might do it. Or we could do it as a co-operative. Hmmm……

A lot just want the basics of a happy life with finding love and having kids cropping up a fair bit, though one of the most popular is to be doing a job that is loved. Most often writing.

Quite a few future speakers of Spanish. A shame, as I was thinking of suggesting Chinese as a language the group could take on, but not a single mention, with the closest being one plumping for Japanese. I wonder what ‘plumping’ would be in Japanese? Or Chinese, Spanish, Esperanto etc.

While my challenge isn’t to blog, I think I’ll do a few posts with more detail of the challenges I am setting myself. It also means I can stop rambling now, and finish with a list. Some of these overlap with what other people are doing, so maybe some collaboration would be in order? Again, not a specific challenge, but working with others in the group will be a secondary aim.

My challenge list:

Work out what’s wrong health wise and fix it, or at list improve it and boost energy levels.

Improve concentration.

Write a great novel.

Write a brilliant sit-com.

Write and record songs that people will love. (An e.p. a year. Not that they exist, but 4/5 songs)

Learn to network.

When well enough, pick up hands-on band management again.

And slinging mud at comedians.

Over recent weeks, there have been a couple of cases of comedians that I’m following on Twitter getting a bit of a negative press. Well, I say press, but I haven’t read any of this on paper, and strictly speaking, the most recent isn’t really the press anyway, but a website, catering specifically to those interested in comedy.

Firstly, Richard Herring was interviewed, quoted and discussed in a Guardian article about a new breed of bigoted, misogynist and/or racist , and as far as Mr. Herring and his fans were concerned the man and his material were misrepresented in that last category, possibly even shoehorned to fit an agenda that came before the writing of the piece. The Guardian gave a right to reply, so a rebuttal was printed (Brendan Burns was also involved, but I don’t follow him, hence not mentioning him earlier). A further reply from the writer of the original article, and things had run their course. Whatever you might think of the articles themselves, I don’t think there can be much doubt that the commenters on all three pieces came down firmly behind Herring.

In the middle I think there was a scathing piece written about Stephen Fry, the darling of Twitter, but I haven’t read that, and I guess with the man reaching National Treasure status, it was more easily ignored and brushed aside by Fry fans.

And so we come to the current furore, which hasn’t fully played out yet, unless the writer of the original piece in this case leaves things as they are and doesn’t follow up on this rather quicker rebuttal. David Jesudason wrote a piece on chortle.co.uk titled ‘Off the artistic roll call‘, in which he took Watson to task for taking money to be in an advert. An additional swipe was aimed at Mitchell and Webb, though mainly Webb, for the same, plus a documentary voicover. There was also a claim to not want ‘a world where every comedian is a Bill Hicks-style clone’, (which rang fairly hollow in the context of the article), and a statement that the role of the comedian ‘is to highlight the ills of our society’.

In my opinion, a fairly nonsensical piece, easily dismissed as silly, but then it wasn’t about me. And in this connected age, on a site dedicated to comedy, it wasn’t overly surprising to see a reply from Mark Watson himself within a couple of days. In fact the two would have been together in the Chortle articles list if it hadn’t been for an additional reply from Carl Donnelly separating them.

He points out the obvious, that a comedians job is to make people laugh, and that highlighting the ills of society is the job of activists. I’d add that it’s the job of investigative journalists too, which puts Mr Jesudason very much in a glass house/stone throwing situation.

As an incurable insomniac, I had tweetdeck open through the night, and then into the day today, and was able to follow some of the ‘action’ in real time. This is obviously something that didn’t happen in the past.

Say, Frank Carson had had a negative article written about him in the 80s, he may have been able to get a reply of some sort printed, though I doubt it. That would be it. Article, reply, end. Maybe a dig in a routine somewhere along the way, particularly if that right to reply wasn’t forthcoming.

Now though, you can in some cases follow the process as well as see the outcomes. On twitter last night, Mark Watson linked to the offending article, and had a bit of a rant, and in fact with his last tweet of the night, thanked his followers for indulging his ranting. Of course that begs the question, why write and publish the rebuttal on chortle then? The Jesudason piece was likely to get short shrift from Watson fans in particular, and any comedy fan that hadn’t pigeonholed themself in the ‘Agit-com or Death!’ camp.

Which is another parallel here. I know it’s not quite the same as comments in the Mail (the downside of twitter for me, people link to the Mail as if it’s news, without any disclaimers or warnings), but the authors of the offending articles have been rounded on in a similar mob rule fashion. I don’t have a lot of sympathy with the specific articles in these cases, but that may just mean they fucked up. Hardly unusual. I actually have a little more sympathy for them after writing this, as evenhandedness is like a writing equivalent of a straight-jacket. I guess how you deal with adversity is what gets you through when you hit a rough patch. The reply from Brian Logan was a bit limp in the Richard Herring case, and as yet we don’t know how Mr Jesudason will follow up on this, if at all.

Anyway, enough of these petty squabbles. What about synchronicity? Through the night, while twitter was all quiet, I was organising my writing folder on the computer as the previous folder set up was an illogical mess, and as part of the job I copied the few posts I’d written in a blogger.com blog last year into documents so I had copies on my machine. While I was at it, I checked up on the blogs I’d subscribed to over the last year or so, one of which is a very funny football news blog – Extravagant Nonsense (the other is the cutest thing I’ve seen on the web – The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee).

The football blog regularly had me laughing, so I decided to have a look at the main site it was attached to, which is an equally funny spoof wiki about the beautiful game. The Michael Owen, Roy Keane and Maradona entries were particular favourites, though I noticed they were missing a Nick Barmby page, and wondered if they might be up for submitted pages. Quick look around at who’s who, and part of the team is only our good friend Mark Watson! Who’d have thunk.

So then with my hopeful hat on, I can see myself drinking and laughing with the rich, famous and beautiful people that I’m now best mates with having got to know them over the internet. Potential contributor and spelling advisor to Mark on his football sites, through the night insomniac twitter confidant to @Jason_Manford…

Nope, hugely wishful thinking there, and single reply tweets from John Amaechi and Curt Smith are hardly going to give me red carpet entry to the novel writing elite either are they? Ditto the odd retweeted #tag tweetgamepost (?).

I’ll just have to make sure that by the time I’ve finished it, my novel is at least a bit commercial. Mind you, this reality TV style tweetdeck watching and blog rambling isn’t getting that novel written at all. And those #tags too. Dammit.

I’ve never been one for getting overly excited by meeting the famous. There were opportunities when I was in bands, and most of the time I didn’t bother at all. But the illusion of connecting over the web can be oddly attractive. The old who you know game, though now it’s who you’re kidding yourself you know.

Most likely reaction from any of these people to submitting work is likely to match that of Josh Olson: ‘I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script‘.

Sunday 16th August 2009

Apart from being woken by a cat (9 ish), called by my girlfriend to make sure I was still alive (10.30), a couple of expeditions for more water, and for weeing, I had a decent bit of snoozing. I got up at about half five in the end. I suppose that could just be put down to getting older, and drinking for the first time in ages, but I think it’s another sign that I’m struggling with my energy levels.

Felt a little bit odd for the rest of the day. Did a bit of tidying, and some reading, but not up to all that much really.

It is of course the big day. Back on the web. I’d set 10pm as my time to rejoin the Internet age. Checked the training of players on my various online footy manager games, checked email, and then opened up the folder of most used tabs in firefox and re-immersed myself in the digital mire.
Oddly, I didn’t really miss it all that much, and would certainly recommend a week off once in a while to anyone. Of course, I’m sure it’d be a whole different story if it hadn’t been by choice, and for longer than a week. I was glad to get back on, just needed the break.

It proved to me that I’m not well too. I got a fair bit done around the house with not being tied to the computer, or having it as something to do if I got tired, but I didn’t do so much that any healthy person doing the same would also need to go to bed for naps most days. I think the long sleep today is partly down to not getting a sleep yesterday afternoon.
With my appointment this week, I hope I’ll be able to start the process of getting fixed. Although with it being such a long wait, I suppose I may now have some expectations of this first appointment that are too high. Just have to wait and see I guess.

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, the week off experiment was a big success. Hopefully these blogs from the week will be interesting to some of you out there, and then at least some of the writing will be a success too.

(Since writing this week long diary a couple of weeks ago, I have since had the appointment, and the specialist (20 years in the field) said he definitely thought I had ME, and referred me to the team of therapists, though that could take up to 12 weeks again. I’d held off from reading up on things while waiting to see the doctor, as it’s so easy to find all sorts of the things that could be wrong, when it’s not true. Plus, the Internet is a good start point, but hardly ultra reliable when looking for something in a serious way.

I’d narrowed it down to CFS/ME, Lupus, or Fibromyalgia, and then stopped. Since having this diagnosis though, I’ve made a start on looking again, and the first thing that hit home was reading in a couple of places that there isn’t a cure at all, it’s just a case of living with the condition. The only person I remember seeing on TV who had had it was Clare Francis, and I’d got the impression that she’d completely recovered, but even in the biog on her own website, it says “She herself has had ME (also known as Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) for many years.”

So that was a bit of a shock. I probably would have realised that with just a bit more searching a few weeks ago, but didn’t want to go down the road of hypochondria. Still, it’s had quite an effect. All the things I thought about getting to grips with some properly worked out, paced exercises and advice on recovery, and I’d be fighting fit at some point. But no, need to do all of that, and see where I’m up to then.

At least it means making a start on my writing was a good idea though. Just not sure what to blog about now. Can’t really bl0g about a potential novel in any great detail without giving it away serialised, and a germ of an idea for a sit com is hardly likely to be very funny chopped into random bits and posted all in the wrong order. Unless you’re a real fan of the surreal. But I guess that’s my job now, so I will try and blog at least a couple of times a week, maybe more if inspired with other week long projects (any suggestions?)

Thanks for the comments here and elsewhere. I hope it was enjoyable.

Onward an upward!)

Wednesday 12th August 2009

I feel really old this morning. All sorts of aches and pains, but mainly lower back. I feel like a really old man, all bent over and shuffling about. It must ease every day, or I’d think about nothing else. Once back on the web, I’ll be looking up books on Alexander technique I think, and in the mean time just thinking about my posture through the day.

I’ve got a feeling it could be a physical manifestation of the CFS/ME though. With the amount of energy available being very low, you just about manage the things you want to do, with nothing to spare. I guess if it’s not taken into consideration, posture could be the first thing that gets neglected. Mine isn’t up to much in the first place, so neglecting it is a very bad idea.
From the inside, I’ve felt for years that there’s a curve to my spine, and some lower back bone issues, but a couple of doctors have said they can’t see it from the outside.

Finally, finally, finally. After days of illogical putting off, I managed to get a couple of forms filled, even adding short covering letters, and then off to the post office where they both went recorded delivery. A very small task, but for some reason one which has been causing me to procrastinate far above and beyond the call of insanity for well over a week.
Got a phone call to make tomorrow, another form to fill, and two letters to read. Well, not letters I suppose, but terms and conditions for some old insurances that I probably don’t need anymore. Just wanted to be 100% before canceling though.

As a pleasant side effect, a small dent was knocked into the current hermit phase, as I obviously had to go out. Another small victory in the form of shopping at a proper veg shop for a few spuds and carrots. Though even bypassing the supermarkets didn’t have much effect on the plastic involved. I grabbed the spuds by hand, but the carrots were pre bagged, and I got a shopping bag. With practice I’m sure this will improve though.

I need to get my act together as far as shopping local goes. Having lost my car (there’s a rant or two involved there, but that’s for another day), I can’t do my formerly regular late night supermarket shopping anymore. There is always the option of ordering over the internet, but I’d prefer not to go down that route.
My intention is to learn how to shop properly. Quality meat from the local butcher. Hand pick my own selection of veg from the local shop. As for anything else, I’ll have to work it out. Bread should be easy enough, but where do you get sun dried tomato if not from the smaller corner shop chains or small branches of the big supermarkets? Something to research. (Though for a change, not on the Internet, but ‘walking round the local shops’ research.)
It’s odd, but in spite of living seconds away from  the nearest bunch of shops, and a reasonable walk from two other shopping areas, I’ve got no idea where all the things I’d normally get at the supermarket would come from. Will I be able to match the prices I’ve been paying? Will I care?

I popped in at my girlfriend’s dad’s engraving shop and Gallery on the way home. He’s got loads of new stuff up in there, including a fantastic painting of one of their cats in the window. I suggested that maybe as part of my developing as a writer, I could do an interview with him. I don’t think he was overly bothered either way, which is fair enough, as I don’t have an audience to speak of as yet. I’ll have a think about questions though, and maybe ask again in a couple of weeks.

Once I got in, I did a variation on the theme of a stir-fry. Enough to eat on the spot and for the evening as well. After another session with ‘Managing Your Mind’ as I let my food go down, I couldn’t resist doing a bit more tidying. It’s a slow process, but gradually it’s even starting to look a bit tidier. Which is quite surprising as I’m still in the switching stuff around to make room to really get into tidying phase. It’s not just me is it? Everyone has that phase when re-organising a whole house don’t they?

As with yesterday though, I took the knock after a while and had to go back to bed for a couple of hours.

I moved a chest of drawers in the computer room, which gave me a base to retrieve my three CD cases from the ‘stuff’ room. Double benefits to that. I now have access to all my CDs, and also a lot more floor space in the ‘stuff’ room, so it’ll be much easier to get to grips with. It’s a long way off yet, but when I eventually get to the stuff in the loft, there’s a whole other life’s worth of music collection up there where my vinyl lives. No idea where I’m going to put it all though.

I wanted to get a review written of a TV program I’d downloaded on iPlayer, but only got as far as making some initial notes. I’d found a book while searching for something completely different on the computer. It’s called ‘What God Said to Larry’, by Dexter VanDango. The author had posted a couple of chapters on the Stephen Fry forum, and I’d really liked them, so when he offered to send a copy to anyone who emailed him, I did so. Usually when I’m at the computer though, I find myself off on tangents all over the place, so reading a full novel was just never going to happen. Another benefit of this week off-line I guess. I really can see me setting up specific online times in the future. Maybe an hour limit in the morning, and then after a certain time in the evening. I can always make notes through the day, rather than being dragged in various directions each time I see something interesting. I’m already making a list of things I would have done if I’d been on-line, but that was more for fun, and out of interest. I don’t actually intend to go and do all those things. On a daily basis though it might be something to do. Though a quality control system would be wise. No point getting to the end of the day, and going back online just to look up a load of rubbish. Vet the list first.

Tuesday 11th August 2009

Fat Cat woke me up to let him out at about 9am, but still managed to get back to sleep for a couple more hours. Up at 11am, and made a start on this document, and an overlapping symptoms diary of the week, one of five in preparation for seeing a specialist in chronic fatigue. Appointment for that has finally come round, and is next week. Hurrah!
Also started a third document. Just a list this time, but of things that I would normally have searched on the internet. Basically any of the tangents I’d go off on. Even though I’ve only had one full day off-line, I can already see that it’s a bad thing to have available all the time. For me anyway, as I’m just drawn to it, and easily distracted and led off on tangents. I may need to impose time limits for on-line life when this week of abstinence is over.

Moved a few bits upstairs from the lounge, which is slowly getting cleared of any non lounge type items. Moved a shelf in one of the units, and now have all my Gamecube stuff on it, so that’s more cleared from the coffee table, and only a small job left there.

I was actually reading ‘Managing Your Mind’ again, but took a break to have a think about one of the exercises in it, and did the tidying during that. I’m going to have to come back to the exercise later though, as I’m feeling a bit unwell now. I’ve had a bit of a headache on and off through the afternoon, so have just taken a couple of ibuprofen, but I also feel tired now too, and have some tingling in my calves. Just the kind of things that over a long period forced me to keep going to the doctor, and meant that the forthcoming appointment with the chronic fatigue specialist was needed.
Yes, feeling a bit sickly and tired, so definitely an afternoon snooze called for.
This seems to confirm a suspicion that I was having though. On the one hand there was some guilt involved in sitting in front of the computer looking at the internet all the time, but in the back of my mind I also felt it may be helping to keep me from doing too much physically, and making myself ill. Looks like I was right about that. I really hope that whatever the graded exercise plan they’re supposed to have when I go to the hospital will work for me. This condition is horrendously frustrating.

Awake again after two and a half hours in bed. Most of it was actually spent sleeping, though a bit of dozing was thrown in to spice things up. I’m still very tired though, yawning a lot, and ache pretty much all over.

I feel a bit better now after eating. Couple of fishcakes and a bit of pasta. Lovely stuff.
At a bit of a loose end though. The next thing on my mini to do list was to hoover the whole house. Many reasons not to now though. It’s got a bit late, I’m full, and I’d just be wearing myself out again.
I may just sit for an hour with the telly on. Not really done that for ages unless I’m at someone else’s house. I’ve got into the habit of going through everything that’s been on the BBC and seems quite interesting using the iPlayer. Half the time though, I end up only half following it as I’m still reading and looking at other stuff on the web at the same time, sometimes interacting too, though that’s been a bit subdued recently.
It’s odd having everybody connected to your online world. I’ve been on the web for a long time now, but only recently got into things like facebook, myspace and twitter. It’s less of an issue with twitter, but the first two present you with the problem that anything you do is visible to everyone. I know there are ways to adjust privacy levels, but I mean the actual group of people you have chosen to be in touch with. Sometimes you may only want to let half of them know something. How do you do that? With email, you just use bcc, and pick who you want to send a particular message to. Aah. That’s what I should have done. I wanted to put something up on facebook to say I’d be offline for a week, but the reasons behind it were embarrassing to me, at least in regard to a small group within my group of friends on there. I’ll have to remember that email is as useful as it ever was in those situations. This being offline and writing about being online is getting a bit confusing. I’m actually quite enjoying it though. It’s hard to deal with the lack of physical energy I have, and I know that if that wasn’t the case I’d have the house totally sorted in the week, but I suppose if I wasn’t suffering with lack of energy, it’s unlikely I’d have become quite as insular and hermit like recently.
I think I need to give me a break. I don’t suppose anyone I know expects me to be perfect. The same as I don’t expect it of anyone else, and few would expect it of anyone they know. Odd that we almost all expect it of those in important positions under more pressure that we’re ever likely to know, but that’s a whole other story anyway. I just need to ‘be’ for a while. Try and find out who I actually am. For a long time I was a bass player. Simple. After that I had a normal sales job, so the company I worked for was an easy hook to understand where I was at that point. Work after that was a bit more complicated, as I fell into a role that I liked the idea of in theory, but in practice I knew I didn’t have the skills to do to the standard I wanted (IT Manager). Which of course gave me an internal conflict. In parallel with that job, and then exclusively afterwards, I was supposedly self employed in music management, but again, though I’d been in a band myself, I found that my skills, and just my personality weren’t at all suited to it.

So I decided I’m a writer.
Which I’m surprisingly comfortable with. Given that it’s a field with a lot of competition, mostly involving people with years of experience and proven track records, you’d think it’d be a bit scary, but I don’t really feel that way.It’s almost like I used to feel when I was a bass player. Particularly in the first band I played in. There were elements of being a bass player that I wasn’t that great at. Mainly being a great player of basses. But when we got on stage, that’s the time I really felt at home. Same with rehearsals, writing and recording. It all made sense to me.
Admittedly, I haven’t had to do all the things that come with being a writer yet, but so far it feels similar. I don’t have to pretend that I know what I’m doing. I know that I don’t yet, but I feel that I will. I also feel that I’ll be good enough that there will be people that want to read what I write. To be a huge success you need more than that, but you can’t really plan to be in the right place at the right time. You do all you can to make what you do high quality, and then take it from there.
At times this feeling of it being a natural thing to do is undermined. I think that’s a more general problem. From that past work history, it’s obvious that I’ve been losing my way with each change, to the point where I really don’t know quite who I am anymore.

I am a Writer.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

And so the moving of things from one room to another continues. As does the finding of to do lists.
This room with the computer in is currently being emptied of the bits and bobs carefully organised all over the floor. Once all of that’s out of the way, I can arrange the furniture that’s already in here more logically, and then move back in specific items that can be useful. Then it’s on to the next room and do it again. Eventually, there should be nothing left in the last space (probably the loft), and what remains has to be unwanted. So the final decision is whether to sell or to dispose of (whether that’s bin or give away depends on whether it’s useless just to me, or completely useless).

I had my appointment with the specialist yesterday. It was a bit of a relief to here it from someone who’s been working in the field of chronic fatigue for 20 years that he had no doubts I do actually have it. Obviously not good news, but at least it takes that weight off that it might not be real.

Fortunately, having built this appointment up in my mind as the be all and end all, I moved away from that idea over the last few days leading up to it. Realistically, what it was going to do was tell me whether a specialist thought that I had CFS or not, and if they did, set whatever the next step in trying to fix it in progress. (Or if they didn’t think it was CFS, hopefully have some pointers to what it might be, and maybe refer me to someone else).

And that’s exactly what it did. In my case he did think I have CFS, and is setting up an appointment with one of the therapists that works with sufferers. In the meantime, I do know at least one person who’s had ME for years, so will see if they have any ‘hints and tips’ on living with it. And of course I’ve had a comment or two on this blog as well, some from people who seem to be quite involved in helping ME/CFS sufferers to cope with the condition. I’ll see if there’s anything I can do to help as well. Maybe just keeping on writing will help anyway though, and can’t do any harm on my side, as I do need to keep on writing all the time to develop my style, and build a portfolio. A lot of thought needed at this stage I think, so I don’t go off down dead ends. As much as you can prevent that anyway.

I haven’t got a car anymore, sadly, but I got a lift to the hospital from my mum. Aren’t mums brilliant? Well mine is at any rate. Got a good big shop in too, so should keep me going for a good while now. I’ve been watching Economy Gastronomy recently, so I’m going to see if I can work out a variation of what they do on that, but for a person living alone, rather than the families they’ve had on the series so far. They may do singles, or at least a couple, and if they do, I might invest in the book. Meanwhile though, I’ll have an experiment using the basic bedrock meal and tumbledowns that are recommended.

Actually, I’m not sure quite how I feel at the minute. Confirming what I’ve suspected for a while is good, but I guess now life again begins (at just after 40), but knowing I have to live a life of pacing, and trying to work out how to survive, and make a living without the normal levels of energy that people have (and that I’m more used to). I suppose it’s a while since I actually had normal levels of energy (If I ever did), but I now really have to make sure I’m efficient in my time management. Now there’s a challenge!

Well, that wasn’t so painful was it?

Nope. I actually felt quite liberated if anything. I got a lot of tidying and rearranging done around the house, though that had it’s downside, as without the easy option of sitting at the computer seeing what everyone was up to on twitter, facebook and the rest, I found it far more difficult to pace myself through the days. I ended up having to have a second sleep on three afternoons during the week.

I hadn’t set any rules on computer use though, just the Internet, so I was free to write as much as I wanted. Which turned out to be quite a bit in the end. Mostly just a diary of the week itself though, so this week, I’ll be posting each of last weeks writings as if it was this week I was having away from the net. I was going to write a review of a TV show I’d downloaded, a first for me via iPlayer, but it made sense with being offine. I haven’t done it though, as I’m settling more on the types of writing I want to do. And although I enjoyed just writing everything that came to mind for a while, reviewing TV isn’t where I’m aiming.
I’ve enjoyed doing the diary of this week a lot, but I think in an age of social networking, and particularly blogging, the last thing the world needs is a new Samurl Pepys. I’ll be blogging away still, but I need to get more disciplined and one track on my serious writing pursuits, which will no noubt be revealed in the fullness of time.

Well, I’ve got a weeks worth of forums, social networking, online footy manager sites and emails to catch up with. Probably take me a week…..

It’s come to this then. Needing a break from the Internet.

You know you’re in a bad way when that happens. It can only be addiction can’t it.

Oddly, I haven’t been ‘interacting’ very much lately, just a lot of searching and reading (though often it’s more looking/listening). Even more oddly, I’ve only recently been away for a few days, so had an enforced break from the Internet anyway. I had a USB dongle with me, but there was no coverage where we were staying.

Part of the explanation for needing the break is right there though. I did have my laptop with me, so I was writing an offline blog that could easily have gone up the week I got back, but it’s now 3 weeks on, and still no sign, even though nothing else has been posted instead. Something broken in the brain department I think. I know it isn’t unusual for most people to put things off but not to the level I’ve been suffering from recently. And definitely not with things they actually like doing!

I’d started shying away from posting a bit. Guilt and shame the cause of that I think. How can you justify posting on facebook and twitter, or watching oneandother, when you’ve got real stuff that you should be sorting out. Not even difficult stuff, just average everyday bits and bobs. It does sometimes feel like my brain just locks up. Or strictly speaking, some part of the subconscious brain I suppose. The thinking voice I hear says “Oh, that little job hasn’t been done yet, and it needs to be. I’ll do it now.” And then nothing.
It can get really frustrating. (I don’t want to go too far into thinking deeply about it right now though, as I have an appointment with a specialist in chronic fatigue, so will ask then if knowing that you’re going to get tired by doing anything physical can cause an overreaction somewhere, and you just stop doing anything at all.)

So a week off the Internet is something I think might help me.
I haven’t set long winded or hard and fast rules. I’m taking a risk by allowing myself to still use the computer, with no time allowance rules, but an intention to keep it down, and at least make it productive. That should be a lot easier with the damn thing not connected to the web anyway though, as what else can you do? I reserve the right to withdraw the privilege though.

I’m going to do some tidying up and some catching up on those little jobs I mentioned. I still need to pace myself though, but instead of sitting down and having a quick scan of my most regular net hangouts, I’ll have to do something else. Reading being the obvious alternative for any times that the writing isn’t flowing.
I’ll be making an effort to catch up on the ‘keeping in touch’ I promised to do after my birthday bash (I can’t believe it’s nearly 4 months since then. My efforts have been woeful.)

There’s still a hermit instinct to be fought. I need some shopping though, and without the little safe window out to the world, I may start going stir crazy anyway, and need to get out. (Not too confident there to be honest. I’ve always been fairly happy with my own company.)

I’m prone to getting sucked in and addicted to being sat in front of the computer, mainly for online stuff, so every now and again it makes sense to take a step back. I rarely have though, just had work or other commitments that meant I had to fit in my web were I could, and it’s less of an issue then. I’m in an odd situation now though, out of work and trying to start a career as a writer, I don’t have any outside forces on my time to any great degree. So I need to do this pro-actively, or I’ll just get worse.
A couple of specific things were the last straws though.
First is the complete mess that the Stephen Fry forum is in. It’s only one of a selection of main sites I visit, but on the whole they’re a good bunch, and there are some interesting subjects. There are also sections relating to health and mental issues (One in particular relating to bipolar disorder and the program presented by Mr. Fry, ‘The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive’. Even in my quest to collect the hypochondria set, I know I don’t have that (not enough of the manic side). I do lurk there though, and it’s interesting just to see what goes on in people’s heads when they have been diagnosed with various conditions. Anyway, the back end of the forum was changed, and whoever did it managed to commit two of the cardinal sins in computer upgrading. There was no warning (not even the forum mods had a clue). And they did it on a Friday!
(The thread started Friday for feedback hasn’t seen either of the bods in charge posting at all over the weekend, and the so called FAQ would be a poor effort for a thread posting. I’ve no idea what Stephen Fry himself thinks of it all. Maybe they got lucky to have screwed up the same weekend that England and Norwich both took a beating.)
Secondly, I was bought a Guildhall notebook at the weekend, and intend to put it to good use. Well, as much as that’s possible with my writing. No handwriting, I’ve forgotten how, so all caps varifont scrawl. It’s the thoughts that count. I hope.

Guildhall notebook

Whatever the unpleasant nature the look of the written words may have, I hope that the notepad helps me to create something wondrous to type up and present here. I’ll have the holiday diary as well, and of course I’ll be keeping track of my cold turkey from connectedness too. What larks we’ll have looking back on that. I’ve also used the option to download a TV program from iPlayer for the first time, so I can do a review of it. I think there will be many reviews heading your way in the future.

Wish me luck….

A bit like the visit to Cedar Farm, I only had a very vague idea of what was supposed to be happening today. Something about an art gallery, and something else, and maybe more……..? I really should put a bit more effort into knowing what my day will be like. Mind you, I should put more effort into knowing what I’m doing with my life full stop! It’s on a laid back, slowly spiraling journey towards disaster at the minute.

I think I had the idea we’d park somewhere in town, and be wandering around Albert Dock for a bit, including the Tate maybe, and that’d be about it, so first stop being just off the dock road was a bit of a surprise. You’d never find the Ceri Hand Gallery by accident, being an anonymous warehouse door, in an area with a lot of anonymous warehouse doors. The place is a bit tardis like though, and even knowing it was a gallery, I was a little surprised at the feeling of opening out into a big space as we went up the stairs from the small reception area.

I’m afraid the current show there wasn’t really up my street, but have added them on twitter, so will keep an eye out for anything that’s more my thing.

I’m still waiting for a chronic fatigue specialist to get in touch, but I’ve been learning to pace myself anyway in the meantime. So finding out we were walking into town was a surprise, but I figured unless I’m willing to end up housebound, I have to do some physical exercise at times. All a bit hot and sunny for me too, but some of the party were hungry by the time we got to the Tate, so we went straight to the cafe, which gave me a chance for a sit down, and a couple of coffees with my chips.

It’s a long time since I’ve had a proper look around Tate Liverpool, and I’m not sure if I thought the same thing then, but I was surprised that even without a big show on, there’s art in there from some really big names. Magritte, Matisse, Picasso, Koons, Duchamp, Gormley, and a load of others that even a philistine like me would know. I’ve forgotten some of the very famous as well, so the list is way longer than that.

I always feel a bit odd in galleries though. Lots of art needs you to know what it’s about to then appreciate it properly, but you can make a judgement on whether you like anything anyway. I usually only like a few pieces, and that was the case today as well. Interesting though, and we’ll be going back for the Colour Chart exhibition during the summer, and I’ll have a look at the rest again then. Maybe take a note pad, and write about the items while I’m there, rather than try and remember it all at the end of the day.

Interesting day. Tiring too, but worth it I think.

I’ve been trying to get my writing head fully on though, and as I have an idea (yes just the one) for an art project, going to galleries doesn’t help much. The other constant call from the back of my mind is to do something musical, but that’s a hot potato for me at the minute.

So I’ve now decided. Writing only for six months (will put 4th Jan 2010 in diary), even if that includes writing about my art project, or about music, but only writing for now. I find it far too easy to want to switch to something (anything) else than what I’m trying to concentrate on. I’m part of the short attention span civilisation. Sad that that’s the only way I really feel I fit in with my fellow humans, but it’s better than nothing I suppose. Just need a bit of discipline for a while, and then when the six months is up, I’ll allow music making and art projectery to commence. Maybe as hobbies, or if the writing’s going well enough, and the world is gagging for a song and an…..art, then who am I to keep it from them?

Looking forward to this now.

Let’s get writing!

What a stupid question, huh?

Everyone knows who they are. I’m Royston, obviously.

Hmm. I don’t think it is that obvious. It may be a mid-life thing (though I always see that as a presumptuous concept anyway), but I think it’s something deeper.

I’m going to have to make a few big changes I think. I’m 40 now, and life is supposed to have begun, but I can’t say I’ve seen any difference really. I’m still a shy, nervous, little mouse in a six foot plus frame. I often have very strong opinions on things, but don’t tend to let rip with them, as I don’t always feel I can back them up with hard facts. Not that that bothers most people with strong opinions of course, most of them just like arguing, and will carry on until everyone else is bored, and assume a victory. I naturally avoid conflict as well, so I’ll self censor to avoid an argument, and many rants (some quite spectacular, even if I do say so myself), never see the light of day.

The ranting thing is possibly a red herring. I’m looking to make writing my career, with a bit of performing thrown in, though the latter is going to be dependent on my health improving. To do that, you have to give of yourself. Even if it’s only in the written words, and not out in the real world, but you do have to make that leap. It’s a bit scary for a shy, introverted hermit.

So I fail. I’ve been trying to get some practice in on the internet, with that slight cloak of anonymity it provides. Mainly with this blog, and a bit of twitter #tag japery, but it’s all a bit slow. And there’s the crux of the problem. I fell for it hook line and sinker.

I’ve watched most of the music based talent shows of the last decade, and half the time say what Mr. Cowell does before he gets there. A also reckon I could win one of them if I only had a little more confidence, but those thoughts must put me in a group of about 20 million people in Britain alone.

Instant success is what they offer. And in a much more tangible way than the lottery. You see someone win, then you see them in the charts, and then you keep on seeing them. Some longer than others, but there’s a reasonable hit rate there. And I fell for it. I want instant success.

I want  one of my tweets to be the funniest joke in the world, and have an agent banging on the door the next day with a big fat contract, mapping out the sit-coms, sketch shows, novels and movies I’ll be working on for the rest of my life, and the big fat wedge that comes with it. (Only without having to do any of the PR and stuff, don’t fancy that so much). The odds aren’t so good I guess, though I do now have over 50 followers, some of them aren’t even bots! (rvdk on twitter if you’re interested).

Anyway, back in the real world. I know that’s not how it really works. It’s all about discipline, and it’s a slow process. Most likely long and hard too……..

Firstly, I need to adjust the balance between reading and writing. This last week in particular, I’ve read far too much, and barely written at all. Luckily, one of things I did read was about the hedgehog concept. Basically it says you need to concentrate on one thing, and really do it well. In the back of our minds, we all know that anyway, like any simple but true concept. Sadly, I want to have a go at everything, and end up with no real depth of skill in any of the things I try, and certainly not expertise in even one of them.

The other day, I was listening to the last of the Reith lectures on iPlayer, and Prof. Sandel was talking about government running based on cost/benefit analysis, where it runs just to correct market failure. As though government now assumes that business is the only way things can work, and government is only there to correct any failings that might occur.

I started thinking about cost/benefit applied to the individual. More specifically, me. And without having all the facts at my disposal, I reckon that I don’t add much on the benefit side, but I don’t cost much either. So maybe the fact that I’ve been made redundant, and I’m ill as well, just means I’m lower down the order than I may have been, but still not too low on the list, and given time to develop my writing, could climb up again.

On the other hand, in the history of our species, this current version of civilisation, and having the media available to see what’s going on all round the world, and making some vague comparison between yourself and everyone else is very new. Born in earlier times, a cave and a few fruit trees would have been my ideal place to live. Now, anywhere that I can live on the web will do.

Is there a conclusion to this? Well, I’m going to keep writing. I’m going to try and write more often, and read less (or at least be more selective). And, I’m going to have to dig deep to give the real me to those that are reading, however few that may be.

So, who am I? I’m still none the wiser, but I’m working on it. I’ll let you know as soon as I do.