Royston van der Kerkoff's Blog

Tuesday 11th August 2009

Fat Cat woke me up to let him out at about 9am, but still managed to get back to sleep for a couple more hours. Up at 11am, and made a start on this document, and an overlapping symptoms diary of the week, one of five in preparation for seeing a specialist in chronic fatigue. Appointment for that has finally come round, and is next week. Hurrah!
Also started a third document. Just a list this time, but of things that I would normally have searched on the internet. Basically any of the tangents I’d go off on. Even though I’ve only had one full day off-line, I can already see that it’s a bad thing to have available all the time. For me anyway, as I’m just drawn to it, and easily distracted and led off on tangents. I may need to impose time limits for on-line life when this week of abstinence is over.

Moved a few bits upstairs from the lounge, which is slowly getting cleared of any non lounge type items. Moved a shelf in one of the units, and now have all my Gamecube stuff on it, so that’s more cleared from the coffee table, and only a small job left there.

I was actually reading ‘Managing Your Mind’ again, but took a break to have a think about one of the exercises in it, and did the tidying during that. I’m going to have to come back to the exercise later though, as I’m feeling a bit unwell now. I’ve had a bit of a headache on and off through the afternoon, so have just taken a couple of ibuprofen, but I also feel tired now too, and have some tingling in my calves. Just the kind of things that over a long period forced me to keep going to the doctor, and meant that the forthcoming appointment with the chronic fatigue specialist was needed.
Yes, feeling a bit sickly and tired, so definitely an afternoon snooze called for.
This seems to confirm a suspicion that I was having though. On the one hand there was some guilt involved in sitting in front of the computer looking at the internet all the time, but in the back of my mind I also felt it may be helping to keep me from doing too much physically, and making myself ill. Looks like I was right about that. I really hope that whatever the graded exercise plan they’re supposed to have when I go to the hospital will work for me. This condition is horrendously frustrating.

Awake again after two and a half hours in bed. Most of it was actually spent sleeping, though a bit of dozing was thrown in to spice things up. I’m still very tired though, yawning a lot, and ache pretty much all over.

I feel a bit better now after eating. Couple of fishcakes and a bit of pasta. Lovely stuff.
At a bit of a loose end though. The next thing on my mini to do list was to hoover the whole house. Many reasons not to now though. It’s got a bit late, I’m full, and I’d just be wearing myself out again.
I may just sit for an hour with the telly on. Not really done that for ages unless I’m at someone else’s house. I’ve got into the habit of going through everything that’s been on the BBC and seems quite interesting using the iPlayer. Half the time though, I end up only half following it as I’m still reading and looking at other stuff on the web at the same time, sometimes interacting too, though that’s been a bit subdued recently.
It’s odd having everybody connected to your online world. I’ve been on the web for a long time now, but only recently got into things like facebook, myspace and twitter. It’s less of an issue with twitter, but the first two present you with the problem that anything you do is visible to everyone. I know there are ways to adjust privacy levels, but I mean the actual group of people you have chosen to be in touch with. Sometimes you may only want to let half of them know something. How do you do that? With email, you just use bcc, and pick who you want to send a particular message to. Aah. That’s what I should have done. I wanted to put something up on facebook to say I’d be offline for a week, but the reasons behind it were embarrassing to me, at least in regard to a small group within my group of friends on there. I’ll have to remember that email is as useful as it ever was in those situations. This being offline and writing about being online is getting a bit confusing. I’m actually quite enjoying it though. It’s hard to deal with the lack of physical energy I have, and I know that if that wasn’t the case I’d have the house totally sorted in the week, but I suppose if I wasn’t suffering with lack of energy, it’s unlikely I’d have become quite as insular and hermit like recently.
I think I need to give me a break. I don’t suppose anyone I know expects me to be perfect. The same as I don’t expect it of anyone else, and few would expect it of anyone they know. Odd that we almost all expect it of those in important positions under more pressure that we’re ever likely to know, but that’s a whole other story anyway. I just need to ‘be’ for a while. Try and find out who I actually am. For a long time I was a bass player. Simple. After that I had a normal sales job, so the company I worked for was an easy hook to understand where I was at that point. Work after that was a bit more complicated, as I fell into a role that I liked the idea of in theory, but in practice I knew I didn’t have the skills to do to the standard I wanted (IT Manager). Which of course gave me an internal conflict. In parallel with that job, and then exclusively afterwards, I was supposedly self employed in music management, but again, though I’d been in a band myself, I found that my skills, and just my personality weren’t at all suited to it.

So I decided I’m a writer.
Which I’m surprisingly comfortable with. Given that it’s a field with a lot of competition, mostly involving people with years of experience and proven track records, you’d think it’d be a bit scary, but I don’t really feel that way.It’s almost like I used to feel when I was a bass player. Particularly in the first band I played in. There were elements of being a bass player that I wasn’t that great at. Mainly being a great player of basses. But when we got on stage, that’s the time I really felt at home. Same with rehearsals, writing and recording. It all made sense to me.
Admittedly, I haven’t had to do all the things that come with being a writer yet, but so far it feels similar. I don’t have to pretend that I know what I’m doing. I know that I don’t yet, but I feel that I will. I also feel that I’ll be good enough that there will be people that want to read what I write. To be a huge success you need more than that, but you can’t really plan to be in the right place at the right time. You do all you can to make what you do high quality, and then take it from there.
At times this feeling of it being a natural thing to do is undermined. I think that’s a more general problem. From that past work history, it’s obvious that I’ve been losing my way with each change, to the point where I really don’t know quite who I am anymore.

I am a Writer.

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And so the moving of things from one room to another continues. As does the finding of to do lists.
This room with the computer in is currently being emptied of the bits and bobs carefully organised all over the floor. Once all of that’s out of the way, I can arrange the furniture that’s already in here more logically, and then move back in specific items that can be useful. Then it’s on to the next room and do it again. Eventually, there should be nothing left in the last space (probably the loft), and what remains has to be unwanted. So the final decision is whether to sell or to dispose of (whether that’s bin or give away depends on whether it’s useless just to me, or completely useless).

Just been taking it easy today.

Found getting up very difficult again, so decided to see how a relaxed day would help, and see if I feel any more active tomorrow.

Played guitar hile watching various bits of TV. I never claim to be any good on the guitar, but whenever I play it reminds me how rubbish I am. Hardly sang at all. I was working out the chords for ‘Walking in Memphis’ while some guy was doing a version on America’s Got Talent, and it wasn’t my key, so strained a bit and stopped. Didn’t feel like the original key either. (And the guy wasn’t very good, but they put him through anyway. It’ll be interesting to see what he does in the next round.

I was thinking of applying for the next series of BGT, but if  do get confirmed as having ME/CFS, I may have to leave it for this year. Hardly good preparation for a good run at it. Not that you could expect to get through, but there’s not much point going on if you don’t think you at least have a chance. Well, unless you’re completely deluded, or actually want to be famous as your own village’s idiot.

They had a poor man’s Paul Potts on doing doing opera, and choosing the same song he started with.  The two acts that really stood out though were the tumblers from New Orleans, who’d give any of the dancers from the just finished British version a run for their money, and a trio with what I think they called the ‘Russian bar‘ act. Quite spectacular, and well worth seeing. Just not sure how much they can add to it.

No actual work done on the sit-com, but been mulling it over in my head, and had a search on the web for advice. No point trying to completely re-invent the wheel I suppose. Found one link to a book which has Father Ted scripts from an earlier point than the actual versions in the broadcast shows. As a classic series it’s got to be one of the best to study, so I may well be investing in that one.

(Strictly speaking, as I write this, the band was put back together, and has now been put back in the box of happy memories, tied up in ribbon, and lovingly chucked in the loft.)

I went to the Planet-X reunion last May, which was a lot of fun, going out and dancing to those old tunes with some of the old gang. Being a bit shy even now though, there were a lot of recognised faces, but of people I never talked to back then, and still didn’t at the reunion. The build up to this reunion sparked a thought amongst the memories though. All the nights at Planet-X back in the day, and the gigs we did in various places, including my own first ever gig at Planet-X itself. I’d just turned 39, so had a 40^th coming up, and thought I’d ask the guys if they fancied getting together for a gig again at my birthday party. I’ve never been one for organizing parties for myself, or at all, but I thought I’d do it just this once. I actually went and booked the venue on the afternoon of the Planet-X reunion. Crosby Comrade’s Club had been booked for me for my 21^st all those years ago, and was the second gig I’d ever done. I think the inspiration for that was a friend’s 21^st a few months earlier in the same place, which TV Smith played at. (Can’t say I remember all that much about mine…)

So I was now on a mission to put The Firecharmers back together and make a real night of it when the birthday bash came around. I saw Gary at Le Bateau, which is where the Planet-X reunion was held, the final home of the original club having been closed years ago, and recently demolished to make way for the massive new shopping centre. I asked him if he wanted to do it, and he wasn’t all that bothered really, saying maybe do three songs just for a laugh. Rod was there too, and he said he’d get up for a song or two, so not the return of the band I was hoping for, but we were still the best part of a year away from the event, so I was hoping the idea would grow on Gary, and we’d be doing a nice full set. I phoned Gareth the next day, and he was well up for it.

Part of the reason for never having organised parties for myself is probably that I’m not hugely fond of them. Adding the bonus of getting to play all the old Firecharmers songs again with the guys made the difference though. I’ve always been terrible at keeping in touch with people properly, but facebook and myspace helped a lot in finding some old friends and making it likely that there’d be a decent turn out.

So we may as well jump a few months, and as things were beginning to loom on the horizon, a bit more organising got done. I called Alastair, who used to manage the Firecharmers, and he’s still involved in doing lighting, and works a part of a group of guys with sound gear as well, so full on lights and good PA for the night all booked, lovely. And Gary got in touch about setting up rehearsals, and there was no mention of ‘just three songs’, so I didn’t remind him. With Gareth having moved away now, any rehearsals were going to have to be packed into the few days leading up to the party, but we were all getting on with individual practice. There were various comments on facebook, mainly about sore fingers.

With a week left, we got together for our first rehearsal, which was great fun. It was hard to believe it’d been 15 years since the last time we’d been together as the Firecharmers. Even the songs just fell into place. If we’d only got one crack at playing for everyone, I think we’d have been alright. It wasn’t perfect, but for a band getting back together after so long, the first run through of most of the songs would have been perfectly acceptable I think.

The first rehearsal was on a Sunday, and we were straight back in the next day for a second one. Unfortunately, I’d started to feel ill just before the second, but managed to get through it, and with one more due the day before the party, we were all confident that it was going to go well. Sadly, Rod was away working, so couldn’t join us for the rehearsals, and was also going to miss the night itself.

I’ve never had the ox-like constitution some are blessed with. In fact I’d say I’m right at the other end of the scale, and after two full rehearsals, and a third before it when I went into Vulcan to make sure all my gear was working I was a bit fucked up. Between the second proper rehearsal, and the final one on the day before the party I felt like shite. It was like being seasick for the best part of a week. That last rehearsal on the Friday went well enough, but I was getting a little light headed by the end of it having hardly eaten through the week, and stopped completely for about 24 hours by then.

So the day itself arrives! Hurrah! Much excitement! Many exclamation marks! And a nightmare trying to get out of bed. Loads still to do as well, with the first priority to get to Ormskirk and help with transporting the PA to the venue. After the struggle to get up, I had a bit of trouble getting in touch with Alastair, and was now at the point where I was going to be late already. When I did get hold of Al, I’d misunderstood, and he wasn’t involved in the PA move to the gig, so he gave me Matt’s number and I let him know I was going to be late. I was getting a lift over from Stu in his van, but he managed to get pulled over on the way to mine! Was starting to look like a good idea to cut my losses on the venue hire and PA, and go back to bed to get over my lurgy. Of course it wasn’t as simple as that, and there were loads of people I didn’t want to disappoint, but I still had the seasick feeling going on, happily starting to ease now and again, so the light was starting to appear at the end of the tunnel.

Once Stu arrived, the PA move went smoothly, and once in the venue, Stu and I went to Vulcan and got the band gear for the gig, dropped that off, and headed back to mine while the guys set up the sound and lighting rigs. I’d done one mix CD for the evening while I was trying to get hold of Al, so I got a second worked out and burned while we had a brew. Apart from not doing the CDs through the week due to illness, I hadn’t felt like doing anything, even making calls to check people were still coming. I was getting paranoid now though, worrying that hardly anyone would turn up.

We headed back to the Commies so I could hook up with the rest of the band and get our soundcheck done. We got quite a while, as The Whip Hand were held up, so we managed to sort out a bit of trouble with one of the mics causing feedback a lot of feedback. Paul Skinner was playing too, so a quick soundcheck for him, and then one for The Whip Hand when they arrived. After all the trouble with me being late going for the PA, we were finished up with the soundcheck by about ten past 7, so only just after what was supposed to be the start time for the party.

By this time, the food and balloons were all in their rightful places (thanks Mum), and that was that, time to see how many people would turn up. I had planned to wear various t-shirts on top of each other when we played, but everything was too much of a rush in the end, and rather than go home after the party had already started, I had to make do with the crappy supermarket polo shirt I had on from the morning. So the Mega City 4 to Doughboys to Firecharmers t-shirt reveals never got to happen.

Party !!!

It was so good to see so many people that I haven’t seen for years. Impossible to really spend enough time with them all I’m afraid, but the newly found keeping in touch tools now need to be used properly. It’ll be a challenge, but with facebook, myspace and whatever comes next, there’s no excuse for losing touch anymore. Until society collapses obviously, but that’s a story for next week (not literally I hope).

So with the bands getting finished part way into the party, I had to make a couple of changes to the timings of which band went on when, and to fit in a cake ceremony that was initially going to be up first, but we decided to do just before the Firecharmers played.

First up was Paul Skinner. A good friend from years ago, and a very talented singer songwriter. His song Romeo is right up there as one of my all time favourites. I got a mention when he did it too, but I did pressure him a bit. It was a new sound he had going on, making use of modern technology with a laptop running a backtrack for some of his songs. I really enjoyed seeing him up on stage again. I just wonder if he’ll carry on and do more now?

Next up were The Whip Hand. Not a lot to say about their set. They’re shit hot. Always. Check ‘em out:

http://www.myspace.com/thewhiphand

http://www.myspace.com/thewhiphandacoustic

…and they were shit hot.

Next we had the cakeathon. I had a smashing speech made for my by a young interloper that had snuck into our old timers get together. We had a few other surprise cake presentations as well. Gareth the Firecharmers drummer had had his birthday a couple of days before mine, and an old friend Graham, had his 40^th on the same day, though I’d never realised that was the case.

And finally, after many years of silence, The Firecharmers are resurrected, and take to the stage. The rehearsals had gone well enough that we extended the set list we’d semi-planned well in advance, and did a few extra songs that came together nicely in rehearsal too. So it was quite a long set, but it was over all too soon. I enjoyed every second of it though. Even the challenge of trying the play the first song when suddenly blinded by strobes (Al’s invested in bigger ones over the years, way back when you could fit his strobe in your pocket).

I even had a bit of a jump around, and it really did feel like the most natural thing in the world to be up there with the guys banging out the old tunes. What made it even better than it used to be though was a whole load of friends getting really into it. Back in the day they there were a lot of good friends who’d support us and come and see us, but with this being a one off, there was an extra buzz, and a lot more of them all there together, rather than spread across various gigs that they could get to. By the end of the gig the dance floor was full , and most of the guys were even singing along.

So, all in all, a fantastic day. I’m glad the rest of the band, and friends did a better job of inviting people than I did. I’m glad that I have family and friends that filled in the gaps I’d left in the planning. I’m glad the guys in the band wanted to play, and agreed to do it. And the one thing I’m glad I did was just having the idea in the first place.

A few people asked me on the night whether we’d be putting the band back together again, but I don’t think that’ll be happening. Even without the fact that Gareth has moved away, I don’t think doing ordinary gigs would be anywhere near as much fun as this was. We wouldn’t be able to get that many people together and all up for it each time either. Maybe someone else’s birthday in the future? Or maybe not. There were a few people who didn’t make it for various reasons, and it would have been great to have them there, but I don’t think I could have enjoyed the night anymore than I did.

I even had an eclair as we were packing up too.

Smashing.

mmmmm…….

Ah jealousy. The green eyed monster so they say. Anything taken to an extreme can be dangerous. All sorts of crimes lay at the extreme end of jealous behaviour. Not that crime is the automatic endpoint of the jealous (or jealousy the automatic cause of becoming a criminal).

Hmm. Maybe that’s a very naughty element of my personality bring up the criminal element straight away there. It wasn’t the intention, this is more about the fun side of jealousy. “The fun side of jealousy?” I hear you think. Yes indeed, the fun side. There may be a problem in terminology there. These days ‘fun jealousy’ would probably be called aspiration. I’m going to have to use an example I think.

Adam & Joe are a good example for me. I listen to their radio show on 6 Music, and I’m jealous that they get to do that when I don’t. I see Muse and I’m jealous of them. But it isn’t a big negative all consuming thing, and in spite of them all (I think) being younger than I am, I still find what they do something to aspire to. There’d be a lot of catching up to do, but I’m sure I’d have a lot of fun trying.

It’s not blind jealousy either. I doubt that there’s anybody you see in the media having any level of success that doesn’t have to work hard or put any effort in. Some may make it look effortless, but they’re likely to be the ones with years of practice as a foundation, so that it is now almost effortless.

So with the likes of The Adam & Joe show, the jealousy thing is very minor. I enjoy listening to them, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m now a budding writer, with thoughts of performing in some way as well, then jealousy wouldn’t be an issue at all. I love watching football, and I’m not jealous of the players, as I know I never had the physical make up to have made the top level anyway. Muse fall kind of in the middle (substitute many other bands too, Foo Fighters, dEUS, Live, etc.), as I was in a few bands in the past, so I’m jealous that they are doing that all the time still, but I enjoy listening to them too, and just appreciate what they do. An added element there is that I have impeccable taste in music (as we all do, of course), so all of those mentioned are very, very good. As a bassist in the bands I was in, I have no illusions that I was ever  anywhere near the standard of the best out there. Was still fun though.

Actually, I think aspiration is definitely a better word than jealousy to describe the way I look at it. Writers that perform are probably more apt examples of those who’s success I’d be aspiring to really. Stephen Fry would be the ultimate example of that. David Mitchell maybe the young up and coming pretender, and me at the very bottom of the pile. Or even in a little new pile next to the main pile. The pre-pile pile.

Onward and upward.