Royston van der Kerkoff's Blog

(My Career as an Artist)

It’s a sad day when you have to retire from a much loved and passion filled career. The same can’t really be said when a potentially much loved and passion filled career that hasn’t yet started comes to an end. It’s sad, but not in the same way.
Such is the case with my career as an artist. I don’t draw. I tried to teach myself, and as someone who believed they couldn’t draw at all, I was quite impressed with the best of what I did. But it was painfully slow, and showed no signs of getting more natural, so I let it go. Similar story with painting, though mainly with the slowness. I wasn’t impressed with any of my paintings.
And so to sculpture. Well, I don’t know how I feel about my sculpting skills. I’ve never sculpted. In fact, I’m not sure if the idea I had in mind for a piece of art would even be classed as a sculpture at all.

I was going to create a huge head with all of the plastic packaging that life these days tends to produce. The head would be based on those created by the Rapanui. Probably more commonly known as Easter Island heads.

I was inspired by a series of videos I’d watched on the Internet a few months ago. Most of us are aware that we as a species are doing a lot of damage to our environment. Not destroying or killing the planet though. That’s a stupid idea. What we’re causing damage to is our own eco-system. Even if we manage to destroy ourselves and all the other animals and fish and plant life, the micro organisms will still be there, and will continue their process of evolution. They may or may not evolve into anything we’d recognise. They and the evolved future versions are hardly likely to care though are they? And the planet itself will just carry on. Until it doesn’t.
In our short lifetimes though, and more particularly, the most recent generation or two of our species, we’ve added a new pollutant. Not the only one, it’s one of many, but it’s one that’s overlooked by just about everyone, but is potentially as dangerous as many that people rant and rave over, if not worse. And as one in an arsenal of pollutants is a capable weapon in the race to destroy our habitat.
Until the damage that plastic is doing becomes more widely known, it’s never going to induce the fear and campaigning that the likes of nuclear waste, carbon emissions, CFC’s and the like do. But it could be worse than them. It’s actually poisoning the seas.
Yes, a throwaway line at the end of a paragraph there, so I guess I should reiterate that. Plastic pollution is poisoning the seas.

So to do my bit in raising awareness of this problem, I had the idea of saving all the plastic waste from anything I buy, and forming it into an artwork in the shape of an Easter Island head. Possibly even life size, though that would have taken some research on sizes, and as they are pretty big, probably many years of collecting packaging. And of course learning from scratch how to be a sculptor. A sculptor of plastic in fact.
But, after collecting four bin bags of plastic to use in the project, it sort of stalled. I haven’t been well, which would have paused any process I’d have been in the middle of, but really, I just lost the desire to do it. And also, felt that there are better things to be doing with my, now limited, energy. I have a tendency to have a lot of ideas, and then none got the time they deserve, so when it came to prioritising, the plastic head was too far down the list, and got shelved.
If anyone likes the idea, feel free to use it. I shouldn’t imagine anyone would of course, as the original creative idea in any art should come from the artist.
No, I don’t have the energy, or drive to make the Easter Island head a reality. Just another of many ideas filed in the ‘not enough…..’ tray. Whether that be enough time, energy, inclination, quality. It’s an overflowing tray.

Of course that doesn’t mean that the problem isn’t there anymore.
I don’t have the specific links to the videos I mentioned earlier, about the problems of plastic pollution, and the related issue of the North Pacific Gyre, or ‘Great Pacific Garbage Patch’, but a quick search found these, and a search on those relevant terms will link to as much information as anyone could need (like these from a very quick search):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnUjTHB1lvM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrAShtolieg

Documentary in 3 parts:

http://www.vbs.tv/watch/toxic/toxic-garbage-island-1-of-3
http://www.vbs.tv/watch/toxic/toxic-garbage-island-2-of-3
http://www.vbs.tv/watch/toxic/toxic-garbage-island-3-of-3

I don’t feel that there’s anything I can do to help the environment. I don’t think there’s time to make things better in my lifetime. Some birds in the Pacific will die off. Some of the sea life will also become extinct. The damage done by plastic pollution will reach a tipping point. Whether that will be before or after the tipping points are reached for other pollutants, carbon dioxide, methane released from the Siberian permafrost, global warming generally, reduced biodiversity, mass bee population decreases, human overpopulation…… and on it goes. Lots of tipping points to reach, and we’ll reach them all.
All those past civilizations grew and then faded, the Rapanui among them. We’ll do the same, this time probably for the first time on a global scale. And then those that are left will start again. We’ll evolve again, and while we do, so will the rest of the life forms on the planet. Well, apart from those we’ve driven to extinction of course.
It’s just the way we are. Any altruism and civilised behaviour is just a thin veneer on one variety of primate and it’s natural animal instinct. You only need to watch the news and see what we’re capable of in ‘normal’ life, let alone under the pressure of conflict and disasters.
It’s cyclical. We’re nearing the end of our cycle. How soon? Who knows. It could be decades. There may be something the planet does before we even get there. For all the worry of our self inflicted problems and destroying our own habitat, one good volcanic eruption in the right place would top it all.

Losing something can be sad. Losing someone is likely to be even sadder. Losing many people and things in one go, and then more along the way can be heartbreaking.

I should admit at this point that Halloween never really meant much to me, but thanks to my good friend Paul, and the wonderful Ian and Jo who arrange Halloween weekends in wonderful places, that changed a few years ago. Getting to be Edward Scissorhands, Rob Zombie and the American Werewolf in London’s first victim (and friend), for an evening thanks to the costume and make up skills of my girlfriend, was pretty special. And now after a few years off, it was happening again this year.

Of course, this year I’ve been trying to work out what’s wrong with me. I’ve even had a diagnosis of ME, but having now read up on it a lot more I’m not entirely convinced. There’s definitely something not right. It could be ME, but there were a couple of other suspects I’d found before really hammering away at trying to get a diagnosis from the doctor. They were Lupus and Fybromyalgia. Various thyroid conditions have joined them since I’ve been researching again.
One of the biggest problems I have at the moment is trust. It seems fairly certain that a group of psychiatrists with connections to insurance companies have taken on the cause of ME, invented a more nebulous condition brining in those with depression and various mental illnesses, and branded them all malingerers, creating the term Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and branding this broad group with that fictitious condition. This effectively removes any urgency in finding out what the least understood conditions are, and finding treatments for them. It removes the need to pay out for the insurance companies in most cases. And it props up the psychiatric profession, which has very little going for it these days as most effective treatment for just about anything are brought about by practitioners in other disciplines.
Given that this has been going on for decades, there is a chance that some of these people have held up the development of a treatment, or more importantly a vaccine. That makes me very angry. Not a good idea either, as adrenaline is quite definitely not my friend these days.
ME effects a lot of people though, and is likely to effect more, but in the same way that MS and Lupus were ‘all in the mind’, and Polio and AIDS were ignored at first, the chances are that even if I do actually have ME, I’m unlikely to be the only afflicted person readers of this will know in their lifetime.

So that’s why I’d had a gentle, relaxing week leading up to the return to Halloween festivities for this year. Having to pack very quickly on the Friday was a bit stressful, but I should have done it during the week. On previous occasions I’d have done it in 20 mins the night before. Of course I’d have worked on the Friday, and driven as well, but having no job, car, or energy anymore, independence is another victim. I very much appreciate being driven to and from the venue, but it’s hard not being able to just do normal stuff.

I took it easy on the Saturday, trying to conserve energy to enjoy the evening fully. The only thing I did was have  a short walk up to the local shops (which were shut at 3pm on a Saturday?), and took a few photos of the house and it’s surroundings.

Had a brew, and Laura did my nails at about 4pm, and I went for a bit of a lie down before getting dressed up for the evening.

I’d read about people with ME only having enough energy in a day to get a shower, and that’d be it. That’s not counting those that are completely bedbound and hypersensitive to light and sound of course.
I had a haircut, shower, and then had to get costumed up. Which didn’t seem too tiring, but shortly after that, I felt I was flagging a bit, so I had a lie down until 7pm, and meet up time. With a theme of Hammer Horror, I was one of Dracula’s three brides, though I think we ended up with more Draculas than brides, and a whole load of vampires altogether. Always one of the fun bits of the night, seeing what everyone’s turned themselves into.

Having lost my social life over the last year (probably longer really), I really pushed the boat out in having the one alcoholic drink at the beginning of the evening, joining the guys with a glass of blood red champagne!
And then the games began. I think it was the balloon shaving first, fitting in with the host’s Sweeny Todd and Nellie Lovett costumes. Followed by ‘Who’s in the Pie’, a surprisingly tricky quiz with celebrity faces merged into pies. One of our number thought at least four were Sol Campbell, though sadly for them, he wasn’t actually there at all.
Another game was going on in the background, a hugely expanded version of Cluedo, with all of us as the suspects. Cards were swapped and you had to try and figure out whodunit, where, what with and why. As the big sit down meal drew nearer, it was starting to look like I might be the culprit. The despicable murderer of poor Andy Peters.
It was about 10pm by this time, and I could feel tiredness starting to take a hold, so I sat in the quiet of the games room to recharge a little. Sadly, sometime around half past ten, before the meal was served, I knew I had to go and rest properly for a while, so I headed off to the room, and lay in bed for a while.
I must have nodded off, and I think it was around midnight that Laura came up and checked on me, and taking a couple of pictures of me with the relevant cards showing that I had indeed been the murderer all along.

I knew by then that I was done for the night and wouldn’t be able to join the party again, so I got up, took off my wedding dress and went straight back to bed and to sleep for the night.
For someone used to being last to bed at just about every party I’ve ever been to, being first by such a margin is as weird as it is annoying. In spite of my early dart, I was one of the last up in the morning, though that’s much less unusual.

So I have to apologise to the other spooks for various things:

• Not having the energy to really get into character (even forgot contacts).
• Not being very lively or joining in much.
• Not being there for the meal.
• Not being there to take my punishment for the murder of poor Andy Peters.
• Not being there to explain myself over the murder of poor Andy Peters.*
• Not making it back to the party having vanished so early.

Mind you, if those psychiatrists I mentioned earlier are right, it’s all in my mind. Of course, having enjoyed the three previous Halloween weekends I’ve been to so much, I figured I’d use this one for a bit of attention seeking, by going off and sleeping for most of the important bits. Fucking genius me you know!
Apart from the bits I did know about missing, it was only on the Sunday I heard about the lantern based fun out in the garden. Bugger.

So anyway, I started with the sadness of loss. I’m still sad about many things I’ve lost so far. I suspect that more will be lost in the future (unless I can recover from ME, or find out what might be wrong instead and then fix that, there will be no more Halloween trips for me). I have no choice but to learn how to pace myself.
A silver lining is the fact that even if it is in fact ME that I have, I don’t have it anything like as bad as a lot of sufferers. There are also people to look to for inspiration in changing direction, coping with illness, and getting on with a new and different life. Stephen Hawking comes to mind first. To continue to work and write in spite of his health issues really is an inspiration. You never know, I could always be a remote presence at future Halloweens…….

* Some may have thought the only possible reason would be ruining Top of the Pops, but for me it was making sure I didn’t get to have a career as a voice over artist when he took the part of ‘Baggage Handler’ in Toy Story 2.

Damn, I didn’t mean to do it.

It has been a long time since I have though, so I don’t suppose it’s the end of the world.

What did I go and do?

I ordered a game for the ps3. Not only ordered though, but pre-ordered!

It’s the first time since Forza 2 I think. And it’ll be the first proper racing game for my ps3. It was sad when my Live account got stuffed up (due to having had a hotmail account since they were only .com and Microsoft not being in any way helpful about switching the registered country on that account, which at some point must have been assumed to be in the US. They change their security, they break my account. I don’t pay anymore, or buy anymore games).

Anyway, I came across some videos of Need For Speed: Shift, and for the first time in ages was excited about a game that was due for release. It was good to feel that again, certainly with Forza 3 on the way soon, as that would have been a bit of a temptation to get a new Live account, but I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I’ve dipped into the long running set of NFS games over the years, as they’ve tended to be a bit hit and miss, though I did quite enjoy the Underground period.

This new one is heading more towards the simulation side of things though, as they’ve decided to split different styles off into separate NFS titles. After watching the vids I had a little search around for a bit more info on the game too, and some of the guys that were involved in the (now shelved?) version of GTR for consoles. Oddly enough, I had a sneaking suspicion there might be a connection. GTR not appearing, and some of the vids from Spa set my sensors off.

It’ll be good to have a go at a serious racing game again. Although any dreams of becoming a star of the online racing scene were put to bed on Forza against some of the guys at the now sadly defunct xbox360leagues site (though I could more than hold my own in the racing elements on Flatout there).

I have got a couple of games for ps3, but mainly from asking for vouchers, and then putting them to good use. Oh, and picking Haze up very cheaply when VirginZavviHed were looking in their bargain bins for some cut price elbows and arses. And I probably have a couple of grand of gaming budget to spend. The joys of moving the previously cigarette based spending. I got to a point though were I had more than I could possibly play on the 360, so the budget has become more theoretical now, and there’s the time element too. Most games these days eat time.

And that’s before the web based (non-console) games I play too. The real time consuming elements are all done for those anyway though, so it’s only a few minutes needed here and there for the footy management games I play. (for linking purposes, they are: managerzone, FML, manager-mania and xpert11)

Apart from a bit of time thinking about gaming, my other recent activity has mostly centred around cooking. I’ve been enjoying Economy Gastronomy on the iPlayer, and have ordered the book from the series now, but even without it have been using some of the principles they talk about already. I’ve got various tubs in the freezer, having made large pans of veggie pasta, and a big veg soup. Not on the same scale, and not frozen either, but a medium pack of turkey strips is going to do at least a couple of days worth at the minute.

And for the first time, I used some chicken bones and slightly older veg to make a stock. I have no idea what to do with it now, but I’m sure I’ll find a use for it.

My First Stock

Sunday 16th August 2009

Apart from being woken by a cat (9 ish), called by my girlfriend to make sure I was still alive (10.30), a couple of expeditions for more water, and for weeing, I had a decent bit of snoozing. I got up at about half five in the end. I suppose that could just be put down to getting older, and drinking for the first time in ages, but I think it’s another sign that I’m struggling with my energy levels.

Felt a little bit odd for the rest of the day. Did a bit of tidying, and some reading, but not up to all that much really.

It is of course the big day. Back on the web. I’d set 10pm as my time to rejoin the Internet age. Checked the training of players on my various online footy manager games, checked email, and then opened up the folder of most used tabs in firefox and re-immersed myself in the digital mire.
Oddly, I didn’t really miss it all that much, and would certainly recommend a week off once in a while to anyone. Of course, I’m sure it’d be a whole different story if it hadn’t been by choice, and for longer than a week. I was glad to get back on, just needed the break.

It proved to me that I’m not well too. I got a fair bit done around the house with not being tied to the computer, or having it as something to do if I got tired, but I didn’t do so much that any healthy person doing the same would also need to go to bed for naps most days. I think the long sleep today is partly down to not getting a sleep yesterday afternoon.
With my appointment this week, I hope I’ll be able to start the process of getting fixed. Although with it being such a long wait, I suppose I may now have some expectations of this first appointment that are too high. Just have to wait and see I guess.

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, the week off experiment was a big success. Hopefully these blogs from the week will be interesting to some of you out there, and then at least some of the writing will be a success too.

(Since writing this week long diary a couple of weeks ago, I have since had the appointment, and the specialist (20 years in the field) said he definitely thought I had ME, and referred me to the team of therapists, though that could take up to 12 weeks again. I’d held off from reading up on things while waiting to see the doctor, as it’s so easy to find all sorts of the things that could be wrong, when it’s not true. Plus, the Internet is a good start point, but hardly ultra reliable when looking for something in a serious way.

I’d narrowed it down to CFS/ME, Lupus, or Fibromyalgia, and then stopped. Since having this diagnosis though, I’ve made a start on looking again, and the first thing that hit home was reading in a couple of places that there isn’t a cure at all, it’s just a case of living with the condition. The only person I remember seeing on TV who had had it was Clare Francis, and I’d got the impression that she’d completely recovered, but even in the biog on her own website, it says “She herself has had ME (also known as Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) for many years.”

So that was a bit of a shock. I probably would have realised that with just a bit more searching a few weeks ago, but didn’t want to go down the road of hypochondria. Still, it’s had quite an effect. All the things I thought about getting to grips with some properly worked out, paced exercises and advice on recovery, and I’d be fighting fit at some point. But no, need to do all of that, and see where I’m up to then.

At least it means making a start on my writing was a good idea though. Just not sure what to blog about now. Can’t really bl0g about a potential novel in any great detail without giving it away serialised, and a germ of an idea for a sit com is hardly likely to be very funny chopped into random bits and posted all in the wrong order. Unless you’re a real fan of the surreal. But I guess that’s my job now, so I will try and blog at least a couple of times a week, maybe more if inspired with other week long projects (any suggestions?)

Thanks for the comments here and elsewhere. I hope it was enjoyable.

Onward an upward!)

Saturday 15th August 2009

Went round to my girlfriend’s on the way to the local cafe for Saturday breakfast with her family. The weather was horrible. Grey, windy and chucking it down. I actually wore my waterproof coat it was that bad. Without the black trackybottoms in socks and the boots they all wear, I don’t suppose I look like a scal wearing it, but it just feels a bit odd. I don’t know how these coats are part of their uniform though. You can hardly be stealthy in something that swishes at the slightest movement. And with the hood up, all round vision is hugely impaired. I can’t imagine trying to run away from someone wearing it. You’d have no chance. I suppose it’s purely the fact that you could be any of hundreds if not thousands of scrotes when you look the same as the rest. Anonimity in numbers.

Finally had a proper go at the drums on GH World Tour this afternoon. They may be rubber pads on the kit, but it still feels a bit loud for late night playing. It was a lot of fun. I went straight in at expert level, just to see if the time spent playing the drums was enough to be able to sneak through.
I’ve never been a drummer in a band, but did spend a year playing them a couple of times a week. I’d always wanted to have a go, and a friend had always wanted to have a crack at playing his guitar in a proper rehearsal situation rather than his bedroom. So we played a couple of songs we’d each written in the past, and a bunch of covers we both liked, and had a great time. With it just being the pair of us though, we’d never really thought about getting in more people to get enough of a band going to do a few gigs, and things fizzled out before we got to make that decision anyway.
A couple of the patterns in the game were a bit confusing, but even starting at expert, I did manage to get through a couple of the early sets without too much trouble, so I’ll be sticking at that level unless I get really stuck. I had a go at some vocal stuff too, but that’s very poor compared to the rest of the instruments. I muddled through a few, but a look at my ranking on the high scores list for one song put me just outside the top 300, and that was for an abysmal performance, so it’s obviously as popular as it is exciting. Maybe as part of a whole band having a go it might be better, but given the big vocal free gaps in some of the songs, it’s quite boring overall.

I went round to my girlfriend’s to get ready for a 40th birthday party we were going to in the evening. It was an 80s themed fancy dress do, and my girlfriend was going as Adam Ant, and I was a cross between Simon le Bon and a generic New Romantic type. She’s very good at getting fancy dress outfits together, Halloween being a lot of fun when we’ve been for our weekends away in the past. (Organised of course, not just us going away and dressing up).
Luckily, her dad had agreed to give us a lift to the party, as I wouldn’t have wanted to be walking the streets looking the way I did. As it was, he said he was disturbed by the way I looked.
I decided to actually have a drink as well. Not a big ‘I will drink lots’ decision, just that I wouldn’t be worrying all night about what I was or wasn’t drinking. I was warned off the lager straight away, which is probably a good thing, as I don’t tend to suffer as much after drinking bitter anyway. I do have to watch myself with drinking though for a couple of reasons. One being the age old, two drinks and I’m anyone’s problem. Though strictly speaking it’s more a case of two drinks, and I’ll drink anything and everything. Very dangerous. The other problem is whatever it is that’s wrong with me physically (even with an appointment with a CFS/ME specialist coming up this week, I don’t suppose I can say 100% what’s up just yet), tends to make everything shut down if I drink too much. Mainly whatever it is that copes and helps you recover too, which is a double blow. I’ve had hangovers last a week or more in the past.

I was a bit worried when we got there. Hadn’t really thought about whether everyone would get into the spirit and be dressed up. Fortunately pretty much everyone was, so it was a good laugh all round. I’ll have to rob a picture off my girlfriend to put up. I did look a right state, but I did get called Simon at one point, so it was obviously working well. There were some, erm, interesting 8os themed outfits I have to say. Not sure what all of them were about to be completely honest.
They had a quiz, which our table and the one next to us jointly won. Dave on ours got the answer to ‘what was the name of the car in Knight Rider, and what did it stand for?’ Amazing. The prize was a shitload of sweets. Which went down very well. In the same way that what KITT stood for was a hole in my memory but not Dave’s, so were Wham bars. Never heard of them. Blackjacks, refreshers, cola bottles and various other bits were good fun though. The party food was good too, and having been warned off the lager, had a few bitters instead, which went down rather well. Not sure how bitter looked with my New Romantic foppishness though.
I’ve got a bit out of the habit of dancing these days too. Even when Duran Duran came on. I did actually get up for the ‘slow dance’, and was then surprised when I was taken up on my silly suggestion of a four or sixway slow dance. I’m sure that was based on something someone on our table said, but it was getting a bit late, so I’d had a few by then, and can’t remember what it was
Dave’s brother Kevin (who kept sorting out the Rubik’s cube) said something about people who weren’t related to each other, which for some reason I turned into a game. Caused a lot of confusion, but you should try it. Name two people who aren’t related to each other. Only good for drunks I suppose. Or on “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue”.
I think a good time was had by all though.

For the walk home, the wig came off and I zipped my coat up over the girly t-shirt. There was no one about anyway, so it wouldn’t have mattered, but I felt better for it.
A double dose of vitamins and few cups of water, and off to bed by 3am.

Friday 14th August 2009

It seems that 11.30am is settling as a natural rising time for me. It’s unfortunate that the time my lower back  stops the worst of it’s aching is about half an hour later. It’d be nice if the two could get themselves synchronised. I’d really appreciate that.

Did some boring stuff, washing dishes, filling the washing machine. Not a very interesting day really.

In the afternoon, I walked over to a friend’s house. He’d looked after the cats while I was away recently, so I was going to pick up the spare key, and drop off his Mintys Cymru and a four pack. He’s away himself now, but he’s at his folks place for a while, so he’d said he’d leave the key in an envelope for me.
It’s a very short trip in the car, but for me today was going to be a bit of an adventure, and a test of what my body can take these days. I’d usually go on-line and use one of the mapping sites to work out exactly how far it is, but I can’t, so I’ll look it up when I can, and put it in this bracket, right here: (blimey, just short of four miles). I would have used the A to Z that I’ve got, but the first couple of pages have gone missing so there’s no scale to work from.
It was an interesting walk. I’ve lived around this area for most of my life, but as I’ve always been happy enough with my own company, times when I’ve explored it have been few and far between. I have a terrible sense of direction anyway, so on a larger scale, when travelling anywhere, once I know a route, I’ll stick to it, even if I think there’s probably a quicker or easier way to get where I’m going. So I know bits of the area, and have a feel for where most things are, but for the most part, I haven’t actually physically covered much of it. Rather than back as a kid, with all the time and freedom you could want, my best discovery phase was most likely looking for a house a few years ago, and viewing places on all these streets which were familiar names, but I’d never been to before.
It wasn’t very exciting though. The weather was quite grey, though I was overheating, as is my way. Whatever the human equivalent of a thermostat is, I never got one. There is a park near to their house though. One I’d only been to a couple of times for a kickabout many years ago. It was odd going through the more flowery bit of it to the football field though. It was only coming out of the shadow of the trees that I realised it was the same place. There was no-one in when I got there, which is fairly typical of how things work for me, but I suppose I half expected that anyway. The walking was my adventure for the day either way. He’ll just have to come to me when he gets back from his travels I guess. We’ve been saying we’ll have a gaming night for ages anyway.
I think it was my doctor who mentioned that he’d been told at some point that asthma was a ‘holding in’ of breath rather than trying to get more. I was told I had mild asthma years ago, and when I suffer from lack of breath, it feels more like a lack, but as with posture, some things can feel different to how they really are, and some ways of improving health can seem counter intuitive, so I guess the holding idea could be true. If your body is trying to hold onto some of the last breath, it’ll feel like there’s very little space for more to come in, which might explain that. Anyway, based on this, I decided to try some extreme exhalation on the way home. Three breaths in I got a lungful of drain vapour, so I’ll have to try that some other time. Great timing as ever.

Shattered when I got back in. Went for a sleep again, which was a good three hours this time, getting up again at around 7pm. I feel a lot better generally now that I just listen to what my body wants rest wise. It confirms how holding down a normal job would be unlikely at the minute though. Unless there are places where you can work a bit, have a sleep when you get tired, and then work a bit more. Nothing comes to mind sadly. Well, apart from the House of Lords, but I don’t think I’d get a place there.

I went round to my girlfriend’s for dinner. Tortilla pockets, and a selection of cakes. Watched a bit of TV and looked at her anti-virus on her laptop. Just needed the updates adding, so got that sorted. Was slightly tempted to have a look at a couple of my usual favourite sites, as I’d only ever intended to be off-line at home. I wasn’t that bothered though, and decided that with only a couple of days left, I may as well leave it until Sunday. Went home at about 11pm, as my girlfriend wasn’t too well, so was getting an early night. Had a go on Guitar Hero: World tour for a while, then headed for bed at about 3am. Still a natural late nighter, but the afternoon sleeps are probably contributing to that, and when I do go to bed at night, I’m not struggling to get to sleep, which is a pleasant change.

Thursday 13th August 2009

Heard the phone ringing in the other room, which must have half woken me up. It was the circular arguing of the asbo couple over the road, and their foghorn children that actually made me get up though. Well, I say ‘their’ children, but who knows. It reminded me of a cartoon in Tona Di Brett’s learn to sing booklet I had years ago. It came with a couple of cassettes, and I really should have worked harder on that. I may have got somewhere then. Anyway, the cartoon pointed out that newborn babies have no trouble in using their voices to maximum capacity. As we get older we tense up, and aren’t free enough to do the same. Probably why the young kid cut through their boring argument with his inane rambling. At least he’s got an excuse.

Over the years, I’ve managed to attract small boxes of other people’s unwanted CDs. I’ve never got round to listening to them properly though, so as I’m also about to embark on an ebay selling spree, I figured it was probably about time I did. So far, I can see why they were boxes of unwanted CDs. And unless I can find a tone deaf music fan with no taste, and more money than sense, I’ll be lucky to get a pound for them in batches of five. On the upside, two or three tracks are usually enough to decide that I’d never be interested in listening to them again. And hopefully, there might be one or two that turn out alright. Then if the rest go very cheap, or even get given away, I won’t be all that bothered. I might even stack them up by the front door and let any guests take whatever they want as they leave. I’d need to start having guests of course…..

I’m finding it quite difficult to stop myself from doing physical jobs around the house now. Sitting messing about on the Internet was definitely a defence mechanism against getting over tired during the day. Without it, I’ve had two days on the trot where I’ve needed to get a couple of hours sleep in the early evening, and today having just hoovered the house from top to bottom, it can only be a matter of time before I start nodding off again. I actually had the shakes in my legs when I’d finished. I remember playing footy all day as a kid and never feeling like that. Even 5-a-side with the guys when I played as long as I could after my knee going, I’d never get quite this bad.
I can feel it now as I’m writing. Tiredness building in my lower back, thighs tingling, eyes starting to droop. Basically a feeling that within the next half hour at the most, I’ll be asleep again. It’s crazy.

There’s still an appointment I need to make, but I’m putting it off. I don’t even know why. I suppose if I thought about it harder, and tried to push myself to do it now, I can feel that there’d be a reaction, and I’d get panicky and not do it anyway. So all in good time. I used to be able to do these normal everyday things much more easily, so I need to get back to being like that. I’m just going to keep working towards that in a positive way though, as I don’t think adding pressure on myself works. Only taken forty years to work that out. Well done genius….

I went to bed again in the afternoon, but only managed to doze without actually getting to sleep, so I got up after about half an hour. Had a shower as I was going to go round to my girlfriend’s for a cup of tea and some cake. Apparently doing a Wurzel Gummidge impression doesn’t work very well over mobile phones. I called to see if we were still on, as I knew my girlfriend was a bit under the weather, and she said she was going to bed instead, so I had to find something else to do.

I ended up back rearranging the lounge. The main difference being the orientation of one of the bookshelves. I’d turned it a little already, to get at the mains socket that was hidden behind, but realised that it wasn’t robust enough to be manhandled with the various DVDs, books and other bits and bobs left in place. So a very simple task turned into a much longer one. All the board games on top went first, then each shelf of goodies laid out in it’s own row on the far side of the room, before the actual moving of the furniture itself. That took about 30 seconds, and accounted for about 10% of the effort involved, and about 2% of the time. At least it’s done now though. Moving the couch back to where it had been in the first place made more sense now, with the bookshelf moved and a couple of other slight tweaks.

I had the TV on while I was doing the moving. ‘Dragon’s Den’ was OK, though it’s getting a bit like the music talent shows. They have to keep doing new things all the time to try and keep it fresh. It’s a good group of Dragons, but I think they need to let a couple go, as that would freshen it up, without having to keep messing about with new splits between them, and silly deals just to one up on the last series. I was wondering whether Duncan Banatyne was skint, or possibly ill. He’d been very irritable, and hadn’t invested, but he did in the episode prior to this, and didn’t seem as tetchy in this one. Mind you, you don’t know whether the order you see applicants has any relation to the order the dragons see them. Maybe it was edited to add a bit of drama to the series as a whole?
More interesting though, is a new program called ‘Economy Gastronomy’. As someone cutting expenditure down to an absolute minimum, and also wanting to improve my cooking abilities and diet, it’s right up my street. Well, nearly. So far they’ve had families as their subjects, so I need them to do an episode for singletons. A veggie option would be useful too. I’m not a veggie anymore, but I don’t eat all that much meat, and with their tumbledown system of cooking a big meal, then making a couple of others with what’s left, I’d worry that meat would have a tendency to go off too quickly if a single person needed to make things last longer. I guess the freezer then becomes your best friend though. And my last big veggie soup went off quicker than any before, so who knows.
I keep wanting to go and see if they have a book out to go with the series, but as I’m off-line it isn’t an option. They may hold off until the series is finished anyway, if the ‘Grow Your Own Drugs’ series is anything to go by anyway. I can’t see the point of that though. I’m sure they’d sell the book all through the series and beyond, where waiting could just cause them to lose people along the way. Neither series would lose anything from people having the book earlier. It’s not as if there are punchlines or cliffhangers to be given away. One odd thing in the production is the tendency for the presenters to be talking to someone off camera most of the time. The odd shot with them talking directly to camera makes me think it isn’t down to the presenter though, but an editing choice. It can be rather off putting at times.

Once I finished moving stuff, I figured I’d actually sit down and watch whatever was on for half an hour or so. Turned out a bit longer though. Not sure if that was down to having eaten a couple of toasted jam sandwiches after my exertions, or just having been active. Maybe even just the fact I was sat watching TV for a change. There’s not a lot on late at night, but I did find an interesting documentary called ‘Fight for Oil’ on the Teaching channel. And though I suspect it was repeated from an earlier evening slot, ‘Wine’ was quite good as well. It was all about the 2008 harvest at Chateau Margaux. Interesting stuff, especially the rise of interest (and therefore prices) from Eastern markets, in fine wines.

Wednesday 12th August 2009

I feel really old this morning. All sorts of aches and pains, but mainly lower back. I feel like a really old man, all bent over and shuffling about. It must ease every day, or I’d think about nothing else. Once back on the web, I’ll be looking up books on Alexander technique I think, and in the mean time just thinking about my posture through the day.

I’ve got a feeling it could be a physical manifestation of the CFS/ME though. With the amount of energy available being very low, you just about manage the things you want to do, with nothing to spare. I guess if it’s not taken into consideration, posture could be the first thing that gets neglected. Mine isn’t up to much in the first place, so neglecting it is a very bad idea.
From the inside, I’ve felt for years that there’s a curve to my spine, and some lower back bone issues, but a couple of doctors have said they can’t see it from the outside.

Finally, finally, finally. After days of illogical putting off, I managed to get a couple of forms filled, even adding short covering letters, and then off to the post office where they both went recorded delivery. A very small task, but for some reason one which has been causing me to procrastinate far above and beyond the call of insanity for well over a week.
Got a phone call to make tomorrow, another form to fill, and two letters to read. Well, not letters I suppose, but terms and conditions for some old insurances that I probably don’t need anymore. Just wanted to be 100% before canceling though.

As a pleasant side effect, a small dent was knocked into the current hermit phase, as I obviously had to go out. Another small victory in the form of shopping at a proper veg shop for a few spuds and carrots. Though even bypassing the supermarkets didn’t have much effect on the plastic involved. I grabbed the spuds by hand, but the carrots were pre bagged, and I got a shopping bag. With practice I’m sure this will improve though.

I need to get my act together as far as shopping local goes. Having lost my car (there’s a rant or two involved there, but that’s for another day), I can’t do my formerly regular late night supermarket shopping anymore. There is always the option of ordering over the internet, but I’d prefer not to go down that route.
My intention is to learn how to shop properly. Quality meat from the local butcher. Hand pick my own selection of veg from the local shop. As for anything else, I’ll have to work it out. Bread should be easy enough, but where do you get sun dried tomato if not from the smaller corner shop chains or small branches of the big supermarkets? Something to research. (Though for a change, not on the Internet, but ‘walking round the local shops’ research.)
It’s odd, but in spite of living seconds away from  the nearest bunch of shops, and a reasonable walk from two other shopping areas, I’ve got no idea where all the things I’d normally get at the supermarket would come from. Will I be able to match the prices I’ve been paying? Will I care?

I popped in at my girlfriend’s dad’s engraving shop and Gallery on the way home. He’s got loads of new stuff up in there, including a fantastic painting of one of their cats in the window. I suggested that maybe as part of my developing as a writer, I could do an interview with him. I don’t think he was overly bothered either way, which is fair enough, as I don’t have an audience to speak of as yet. I’ll have a think about questions though, and maybe ask again in a couple of weeks.

Once I got in, I did a variation on the theme of a stir-fry. Enough to eat on the spot and for the evening as well. After another session with ‘Managing Your Mind’ as I let my food go down, I couldn’t resist doing a bit more tidying. It’s a slow process, but gradually it’s even starting to look a bit tidier. Which is quite surprising as I’m still in the switching stuff around to make room to really get into tidying phase. It’s not just me is it? Everyone has that phase when re-organising a whole house don’t they?

As with yesterday though, I took the knock after a while and had to go back to bed for a couple of hours.

I moved a chest of drawers in the computer room, which gave me a base to retrieve my three CD cases from the ‘stuff’ room. Double benefits to that. I now have access to all my CDs, and also a lot more floor space in the ‘stuff’ room, so it’ll be much easier to get to grips with. It’s a long way off yet, but when I eventually get to the stuff in the loft, there’s a whole other life’s worth of music collection up there where my vinyl lives. No idea where I’m going to put it all though.

I wanted to get a review written of a TV program I’d downloaded on iPlayer, but only got as far as making some initial notes. I’d found a book while searching for something completely different on the computer. It’s called ‘What God Said to Larry’, by Dexter VanDango. The author had posted a couple of chapters on the Stephen Fry forum, and I’d really liked them, so when he offered to send a copy to anyone who emailed him, I did so. Usually when I’m at the computer though, I find myself off on tangents all over the place, so reading a full novel was just never going to happen. Another benefit of this week off-line I guess. I really can see me setting up specific online times in the future. Maybe an hour limit in the morning, and then after a certain time in the evening. I can always make notes through the day, rather than being dragged in various directions each time I see something interesting. I’m already making a list of things I would have done if I’d been on-line, but that was more for fun, and out of interest. I don’t actually intend to go and do all those things. On a daily basis though it might be something to do. Though a quality control system would be wise. No point getting to the end of the day, and going back online just to look up a load of rubbish. Vet the list first.

Tuesday 11th August 2009

Fat Cat woke me up to let him out at about 9am, but still managed to get back to sleep for a couple more hours. Up at 11am, and made a start on this document, and an overlapping symptoms diary of the week, one of five in preparation for seeing a specialist in chronic fatigue. Appointment for that has finally come round, and is next week. Hurrah!
Also started a third document. Just a list this time, but of things that I would normally have searched on the internet. Basically any of the tangents I’d go off on. Even though I’ve only had one full day off-line, I can already see that it’s a bad thing to have available all the time. For me anyway, as I’m just drawn to it, and easily distracted and led off on tangents. I may need to impose time limits for on-line life when this week of abstinence is over.

Moved a few bits upstairs from the lounge, which is slowly getting cleared of any non lounge type items. Moved a shelf in one of the units, and now have all my Gamecube stuff on it, so that’s more cleared from the coffee table, and only a small job left there.

I was actually reading ‘Managing Your Mind’ again, but took a break to have a think about one of the exercises in it, and did the tidying during that. I’m going to have to come back to the exercise later though, as I’m feeling a bit unwell now. I’ve had a bit of a headache on and off through the afternoon, so have just taken a couple of ibuprofen, but I also feel tired now too, and have some tingling in my calves. Just the kind of things that over a long period forced me to keep going to the doctor, and meant that the forthcoming appointment with the chronic fatigue specialist was needed.
Yes, feeling a bit sickly and tired, so definitely an afternoon snooze called for.
This seems to confirm a suspicion that I was having though. On the one hand there was some guilt involved in sitting in front of the computer looking at the internet all the time, but in the back of my mind I also felt it may be helping to keep me from doing too much physically, and making myself ill. Looks like I was right about that. I really hope that whatever the graded exercise plan they’re supposed to have when I go to the hospital will work for me. This condition is horrendously frustrating.

Awake again after two and a half hours in bed. Most of it was actually spent sleeping, though a bit of dozing was thrown in to spice things up. I’m still very tired though, yawning a lot, and ache pretty much all over.

I feel a bit better now after eating. Couple of fishcakes and a bit of pasta. Lovely stuff.
At a bit of a loose end though. The next thing on my mini to do list was to hoover the whole house. Many reasons not to now though. It’s got a bit late, I’m full, and I’d just be wearing myself out again.
I may just sit for an hour with the telly on. Not really done that for ages unless I’m at someone else’s house. I’ve got into the habit of going through everything that’s been on the BBC and seems quite interesting using the iPlayer. Half the time though, I end up only half following it as I’m still reading and looking at other stuff on the web at the same time, sometimes interacting too, though that’s been a bit subdued recently.
It’s odd having everybody connected to your online world. I’ve been on the web for a long time now, but only recently got into things like facebook, myspace and twitter. It’s less of an issue with twitter, but the first two present you with the problem that anything you do is visible to everyone. I know there are ways to adjust privacy levels, but I mean the actual group of people you have chosen to be in touch with. Sometimes you may only want to let half of them know something. How do you do that? With email, you just use bcc, and pick who you want to send a particular message to. Aah. That’s what I should have done. I wanted to put something up on facebook to say I’d be offline for a week, but the reasons behind it were embarrassing to me, at least in regard to a small group within my group of friends on there. I’ll have to remember that email is as useful as it ever was in those situations. This being offline and writing about being online is getting a bit confusing. I’m actually quite enjoying it though. It’s hard to deal with the lack of physical energy I have, and I know that if that wasn’t the case I’d have the house totally sorted in the week, but I suppose if I wasn’t suffering with lack of energy, it’s unlikely I’d have become quite as insular and hermit like recently.
I think I need to give me a break. I don’t suppose anyone I know expects me to be perfect. The same as I don’t expect it of anyone else, and few would expect it of anyone they know. Odd that we almost all expect it of those in important positions under more pressure that we’re ever likely to know, but that’s a whole other story anyway. I just need to ‘be’ for a while. Try and find out who I actually am. For a long time I was a bass player. Simple. After that I had a normal sales job, so the company I worked for was an easy hook to understand where I was at that point. Work after that was a bit more complicated, as I fell into a role that I liked the idea of in theory, but in practice I knew I didn’t have the skills to do to the standard I wanted (IT Manager). Which of course gave me an internal conflict. In parallel with that job, and then exclusively afterwards, I was supposedly self employed in music management, but again, though I’d been in a band myself, I found that my skills, and just my personality weren’t at all suited to it.

So I decided I’m a writer.
Which I’m surprisingly comfortable with. Given that it’s a field with a lot of competition, mostly involving people with years of experience and proven track records, you’d think it’d be a bit scary, but I don’t really feel that way.It’s almost like I used to feel when I was a bass player. Particularly in the first band I played in. There were elements of being a bass player that I wasn’t that great at. Mainly being a great player of basses. But when we got on stage, that’s the time I really felt at home. Same with rehearsals, writing and recording. It all made sense to me.
Admittedly, I haven’t had to do all the things that come with being a writer yet, but so far it feels similar. I don’t have to pretend that I know what I’m doing. I know that I don’t yet, but I feel that I will. I also feel that I’ll be good enough that there will be people that want to read what I write. To be a huge success you need more than that, but you can’t really plan to be in the right place at the right time. You do all you can to make what you do high quality, and then take it from there.
At times this feeling of it being a natural thing to do is undermined. I think that’s a more general problem. From that past work history, it’s obvious that I’ve been losing my way with each change, to the point where I really don’t know quite who I am anymore.

I am a Writer.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

And so the moving of things from one room to another continues. As does the finding of to do lists.
This room with the computer in is currently being emptied of the bits and bobs carefully organised all over the floor. Once all of that’s out of the way, I can arrange the furniture that’s already in here more logically, and then move back in specific items that can be useful. Then it’s on to the next room and do it again. Eventually, there should be nothing left in the last space (probably the loft), and what remains has to be unwanted. So the final decision is whether to sell or to dispose of (whether that’s bin or give away depends on whether it’s useless just to me, or completely useless).

(A couple of weeks ago I spent a self enforced week with no access to the Internet. Partly as an experiment as someone who spends more time than is probably healthy on the web. On the other hand, this was just prior to confirmation that I have CFS/ME, so with the little energy sitting at a computer uses, it’s probably been a way to get through the day a lot of the time without falling asleep or making myself feel ill.)

Sunday 9th August 2009

I was given a notebook during an afternoon out in Ormskirk yesterday by my girlfriend’s mum. We went to the (find out name of) Gallery for their yearly open show. I wasn’t as impressed as in previous years, though there was one painting I did quite like. It was of gulls at low tide, but from any distance away became a monochrome pattern. (My favourites always seem to be in the cafe for some reason).

Anyway, the notebook was one of a few triggers in me deciding to take a week off from the Internet. (Though strictly speaking it will come in a little under the 168 hours, as I want to check up on my team’s training on managerzone. I could have gone from late evening Sunday to Sunday and it would have worked, but as I was slow getting my blog saying I was off-line for a week done, it was after midnight by the time I posted it, and I’d lose the chance to see any of the training if I don’t get back on until the early hours on the Monday.)

So, on Sunday evening, I posted my blog, then had a look at all the sites that I visit most regularly, posting on any that have a place for people to point out their own blogs, and saying see you next week.

And then went to bed. At 4.30am.

Monday 10th August 2009

I was too tired to get up and open the door when the bell rang early on. Not surprising after a late night though.

I was already up (though only just) when it rang again later. I don’t know who the first ringer was, but my second bell pushers were expected. My girlfriend had come round to tidy up the front yard for me, and had her daughter with her for an extra pair of helping hands.

It feels really odd to not be involved when any work is going on. I may not be the life and soul of parties, but I’ve always tended to muck in when there’s something that needs doing. Certainly since my shyness has eased anyway. So I made myself a little useful, with brew making, and also made a couple of phone calls, one of which I’d been putting off for a while.

The girls didn’t stay long, but I was in the mood to be doing things when they left, so I got on with a bit of tidying. I’ve had the house to myself for a while now, but I’ve barely made any inroads to getting it properly organised. The first couple of weeks when I was in were a frenzy of activity, but that mainly involved moving stuff between rooms to change what went were, and once done left half of the house acting as storage rooms. Which they still are now. Most of it is stuff I’ll never use, some I probably don’t even know why it’s here at all, so I plan to get rid of loads of things. Whether by car boot or ebay, or some other method, I don’t know yet. It’s got to go though.

One of the main jobs was clearing a big pile of Mensa magazines from the stairs, and putting them in a folder. I was surprised by the fact that I haven’t even taken the last few issues out of their plastic wrappers (9 months worth to be precise). The latest issue has an interview with John Amaechi. I first came across him as an interviewee on BBC News Channel’s Hard Talk (though I think it was probably still News 24 at the time).
I’ve since read his book, and he is proper hero material. I think it was in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance that I read about ‘arete’ being the philosophy of giving your all in all things. Being truly rounded. And that the ultimate personification of this was Hercules. John Amaechi is the nearest thing to that ideal that I’ve come across in the media, and so the modern world. And of course there are going to be many that might fit the bill, but aren’t public figures so we don’t get to know about them.
I dare say there are others, but for me he seems to top someone like Ian Botham due to the added intellectual element. (I may be doing Botham a disservice there, but if he’s an intellectual, he doesn’t show it in his public life. Except maybe with his philosophy on Shredded Wheat).
There was also an appeal to possible participants in a survey. The subject is ‘intelligent underachievement’, which I suspect fits me pretty well. Preferred method of contact? Email. Oops. I printed a letter out, but will probably just leave a message instead.

I had a break mid afternoon, and read a bit of the book that was recommended to me when I went for a preliminary counselling appointment. They have huge waiting lists, so I got the book straight away, but it’s just been sat waiting for me. Actually, it must be a few months now anyway, so it may not be all that far away before I get booked in for a session anyway.

After a bit more tidying, I went round to my girlfriend’s to see the stuff she’d picked up for me for the fancy dress party we’re going to on Saturday evening. It’s 80s themed, so I’m going to be a Simon le Bon, Nick Heywood type mix of looks. In other words, horrendous. I may need to get a lift for this one. The Halloween fancy dress parties we’ve been to over the years have been held at big houses where you stay for the weekend, so traveling in costume has never been an issue. Walking around near home in Saturday’s outfit? No thanks.
We had some pizza too, and then I headed home while they went off to see the latest Harry Potter at the pictures.

I had a quick go on Guitar Hero: World Tour when I got in. I’ve now reached the point where the guitar stuff is getting difficult and taking a few goes to get through. I’ve played GH 2 & 3 though, and got most of the way through the game at expert level, so that’s the setting I start on. I may need to drop to hard to open some of these songs up, but I’d prefer not to. It doesn’t seem to have the difficulties separated as completely different games this time though, so I’d rather get as far as I possibly can on expert before messing about. Even though I was sat, rather than my preferred standing to play, I was actually tired pretty soon after starting.

I started reading ‘Managing Your Mind‘ again, but my eyes were closing and I was nodding off. Ended up sleeping on the couch for a couple of hours. Woke a few times, but took the chance at about 11pm, and luckily got to bed and sleep without waking up enough to break the sleep. Probably would have been up all night otherwise.