Royston van der Kerkoff's Blog

Ah jealousy. The green eyed monster so they say. Anything taken to an extreme can be dangerous. All sorts of crimes lay at the extreme end of jealous behaviour. Not that crime is the automatic endpoint of the jealous (or jealousy the automatic cause of becoming a criminal).

Hmm. Maybe that’s a very naughty element of my personality bring up the criminal element straight away there. It wasn’t the intention, this is more about the fun side of jealousy. “The fun side of jealousy?” I hear you think. Yes indeed, the fun side. There may be a problem in terminology there. These days ‘fun jealousy’ would probably be called aspiration. I’m going to have to use an example I think.

Adam & Joe are a good example for me. I listen to their radio show on 6 Music, and I’m jealous that they get to do that when I don’t. I see Muse and I’m jealous of them. But it isn’t a big negative all consuming thing, and in spite of them all (I think) being younger than I am, I still find what they do something to aspire to. There’d be a lot of catching up to do, but I’m sure I’d have a lot of fun trying.

It’s not blind jealousy either. I doubt that there’s anybody you see in the media having any level of success that doesn’t have to work hard or put any effort in. Some may make it look effortless, but they’re likely to be the ones with years of practice as a foundation, so that it is now almost effortless.

So with the likes of The Adam & Joe show, the jealousy thing is very minor. I enjoy listening to them, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m now a budding writer, with thoughts of performing in some way as well, then jealousy wouldn’t be an issue at all. I love watching football, and I’m not jealous of the players, as I know I never had the physical make up to have made the top level anyway. Muse fall kind of in the middle (substitute many other bands too, Foo Fighters, dEUS, Live, etc.), as I was in a few bands in the past, so I’m jealous that they are doing that all the time still, but I enjoy listening to them too, and just appreciate what they do. An added element there is that I have impeccable taste in music (as we all do, of course), so all of those mentioned are very, very good. As a bassist in the bands I was in, I have no illusions that I was ever  anywhere near the standard of the best out there. Was still fun though.

Actually, I think aspiration is definitely a better word than jealousy to describe the way I look at it. Writers that perform are probably more apt examples of those who’s success I’d be aspiring to really. Stephen Fry would be the ultimate example of that. David Mitchell maybe the young up and coming pretender, and me at the very bottom of the pile. Or even in a little new pile next to the main pile. The pre-pile pile.

Onward and upward.

Like many people, at the back of my mind I’ve had the feeling that I’d like to be an actor and reap the rewards of the easy life, money and girls it brings. Just popularity wouldn’t be any good though, it’d have to be about producing great work and gaining respect as well. A new Anthony Hopkins or Gary Oldman maybe? Yeah, so respect, money, women. Awards I can take or leave

Again, like many people, this isn’t the only life changing career move I’m just waiting for the right moment to go for. Singer, songwriter, comedian, author, sportsman (bit old for that one) and probably a few more that I think of less often, maybe even web celeb, though celebrity just for the sake of it isn’t something I’d be too comfortable with. Might struggle to fit all those in, but it’s good to keep yourself busy.

Back to acting though, and I am actually going to take a first tentative step into that world. We have a group locally that have been running for years, and I’m going to go and have a look this evening.

I have to admit to not being the most confident person in the world, so it may seem an odd thing to want to do, and already being 40 now, you’d expect that gaining confidence could be a very difficult thing to do. On the other hand, in spite of being painfully shy as a kid, and having said lack of confidence generally, I spent 10 years as a bass player, and after a long break played at a reunion of my first band recently, and it felt the most natural thing in the world to be up on stage. There is the element of that being something I’d already done in the past, so knew I was capable, but I was the singer for the last band I was in, and though we only did a few shows, I’d see that as a possible bridge to acting, and could help me in my formative acting career.

I’m not really sure what to expect from the group I’ll be visiting. Maybe they’ll be a bit luvvie, and I won’t feel comfortable. If that’s the case though, there are other groups I can look into. I touched on the various back of the mind new careers I seem to have and listed comedian and author among them. Writer would probably fit better, certainly more than comedian, as they need to be comedy writers anyway these days. Do any comedy performers have all their material written for them anymore? I have a slight dilemma there, as there aren’t too many actors that cross over and can do serious and comedy equally well, so concentrating on one or the other to start with would make sense. I think serious would suit me better, as in spite of the stand up routines running in my head as I wake some mornings, actually doing stand up would be terrifying. The adrenalin rush of stand up must be part of what keeps comedians doing it, or the fear would surely stop them from ever wanting a second go.

So serious it is. Fortunately, I’ve just joined the local library after many years without setting foot in one, so I’ll be making use of their plays section, and now my decision is made, will of course be choosing serious material to practice on. A play, and a book about beginning acting would make sense. Nothing came up on my Amazon search for ‘ the Anthony Hopkins book of how to be as good at acting as I am’, so I’ll just have to go with the library’s selection and choose the best pairing I can find…..

(part 2 – having had an evening with some members of the Lucilla society.)

I’d been in touch by email during the week, so I wandered over to Lucilla House last week, to meet the membership secretary, and possibly watch a video of one of their previous shows with any of the group who were about.

The video was of a production the group had put on at Crosby Civic Hall 15 years ago. The play was ‘The Sound of Murder’, and it was very interesting to watch it not just as a viewer, but with the idea in mind that at some point I might be part of the cast for a performance like this. A couple of things came to mind straight away, one being the size of the stage for a play which was set in one large room. The other was thinking about voice projection, and just how loud you must have to be to fill a room that size.

After the showing, I stayed on and got to know those of the group that were around for the evening. An entertaining group even when not performing. Next week is a slide show, and then it gets interesting the following week when it’s a reading night. If I go then, I suspect I’ll be thrown straight in and given something to do during the evening. As someone who has for most of their life suffered quite badly from shyness, I already know that my immediate reaction to that will be to try and get out of it, maybe saying ‘I’ll have a go next time’, but there’s no point getting involved at all if the shyness is going to be allowed to get in the way. I’m already quite old to be starting new things, so there’s no time to lose. Without being nasty about it, I don’t think a long standing drama society would have much time for a grown up getting shy and being a potential liability.

I’m looking forward to the challenge, and half want to be given a part as soon as possible so that I can get up there and test myself. I don’t have any acting experience at all, but my time in various bands should help to some degree as far as being comfortable on stage goes. I found singing for a band much more nerve-wracking than playing bass, and acting is another step from there as you don’t have the mic to hide behind, or the volume the band and PA produce.

Hopefully this will be a bit of an adventure, and I’ll take to it well. I’m thinking of getting a covers band together anyway, so the singing and performing involved in that should help a little with confidence, projection, and getting used to pre performance nerves again.